Preschool Expectation: Tantrums or Independence? June 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

It’s summertime! During the long hot months this summer, we’ll talk about three different age groups of children: preschoolers, school-aged children and teenagers. Each month, we’ll highlight some different expectations parents should have for the groupings.

This month, we’re focusing on preschoolers, the wild and precious age of childhood. Preschool-aged children are like sponges of knowledge, constantly taking in the world around them, assessing and learning in almost every situation. They also transition from babies to children, an often raucous move. Mood swings, temper tantrums and extreme energy are the norms for 3- to 5-year-olds. But does it have to be that way?

Before they turn 2, babies demand to be the center of their parents’ worlds, and rightfully so. They rely on adults to keep them fed, clothed and protected. As they get older and more mature, they voice their needs and wants, and become more independent and self-sufficient. They also learn that they aren’t the center of the universe—they don’t always like it. To be fair, I probably wouldn’t either!

As your child goes through this transition, you as a parent should have boundaries and expectations to let your child know that you are in charge and that he or she is only a little fish in a big sea. This is okay and necessary in order to raise individuals who care about the world and people around them.

Take temper tantrums for instance. Preschoolers need to know that they can’t throw tantrums wherever and whenever they feel like it. They need to know that when this happens, they will be promptly placed in a room where they can have their fit all alone. If parents give in to tantrums, they will only continue and get worse! It’s much easier to stop them when the child in question is under 5 than it will be when the child is age 7.

Preschoolers also can be given responsibilities and chances for independence. Let them pick out their own clothes most of the time. Teach them how to get themselves dressed. They are capable of brushing their hair and teeth, doing chores like making their beds or taking out the trash, and playing independently. Doing this teaches them important skills and enforces a routine of personal care helps them take responsibility for themselves. It will help them gain a sense of stability to know that they can do things on their own, and will help to keep them more “leveled.”

The preschool years don’t have to be filled with emotions and time-outs. Being given boundaries, responsibilities and skills builds independence and helps children transition to older childhood. It also reminds them that they aren’t the center of the world. Having this skill-set will help them function in elementary school and beyond. And will make your days with them a lot more peaceful and enjoyable!

Beating the Boredom Blues, May 2013

By Sarah Hamaker

“I am never bored anywhere: being bored is an insult to oneself.”

--Jules Renard, French author

Today’s children are often bored. Bored with toys, bored with time, bored unless someone plans their every waking moment. But boredom is a relatively new phenomenon, one that crept into our vocabulary in the 1800s, according to Patricia Meyer Spacks, author of Boredom: The Literary History of a State of Mind.

With all of our labor-saving devices, the value of the individual and the ever-quoted “pursuit of happiness” has made boredom possible. “‘If life was never boring in pre-modern times,’ [Spacks] writes, ‘neither was it interesting, thrilling or exciting, in the modern sense of these words.’”[i]

Today, many kids complain of boredom nearly constantly, which has flummoxed parents into believing that to be bored is one of the worst possible things for a child to experience. “At its best, boredom forces creativity,” writes Richard Louv in Last Child in the Woods.

Louv recommends—and I concur—a few things parents can do to encourage constructive boredom. Try these out and watch your child’s creativity blossom.

First, be there for your children. Make sure you set limits on electronic consumption. Take your kids into nature or the library or fishing—pursuits that are designed to jumpstart their imaginations.

Second, turn off the TV/movies. “Any parent who has punished a child by taking away TV priviledges and then watched that child play—slowly at first, then imaginatively, freely—will recognize the connection between time, boredom and creativity,” writes Louv. Give your kids plenty of opportunities for such development.

Third, balance adult direction with child boredom. When your kids utter, “I’m bored,” don’t rush to fill the void, but don’t let your kids wallow with too much boredom, either. Structure some activities but leave time for free thought and, yes, boredom.

Fourth, help your children figure out what to do in their bored moments. Give them suggestions that don’t involve electronics. My ebook Boredom Busters has dozens of such ideas.

Fifth, give an antidote to boredom—the chore jar. Nip boredom whining in the bud by creating a jar that lists irregular chores that aren’t on their task list. When a child complains of having nothing to do, point him to the chore jar and watch the whining magically disappear.

With summer right around the corner, the cries of “There’s nothing to do,” will ring out in every household. By focusing on the positive side of boredom—and with your handy chore jar ready for action—you can have a relaxing and enjoyable summer with your children.

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[i] All quotes from Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv, pages 166 to 168.

Everyone Can Pitch In, April 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

When I was growing up, my best friend lived in what seemed to me like the most unreasonably run house in the whole world. Besides the fact that she wasn’t allowed to watch TV on weekdays, every day when she got home from school, before she could do anything else, she had to complete her chores.

This was foreign to me. I did have to do the typical bed-making and unloading of the dishwasher, but I didn’t have a list of chores that had to be done before I could plant myself in front of the TV. I didn’t get it at all, and to top it off, she didn’t even get paid for her efforts! Obviously not normal, right?

Then I grew up, married, and now have a home of my own and a very busy 9-month-old baby. What I wouldn’t give for him to be big enough to help with the never ending list of to-dos around here. I absolutely cannot wait for him to reach the age where I can give him a job and let him do it. And I think he will be better for it.

My husband and I want to raise a responsible and giving member of society, and pitching in around the house is one of the first ways that he can learn to contribute. We don’t plan on paying him because we let him live with us, and eat our food, and wear the clothes we purchase for him. I know some of you are thinking, “Isn’t that just what we do for our kids?” Yes, it is, but they are fully capable of doing things for the family in return.

Chores teach children responsibility, give them a sense of purpose in the family, and teach home management skills. When a child is responsible for a part of the home, it shows that they are not just humans who can loaf around and let the world serve them. They are a part of something bigger in the world. Realizing that begins with learning that their home doesn’t revolve around them, just as the larger world doesn’t, either.

What kind of chores can kids do and at what ages can you start them? I have my child “help” me put away his toys every night. When he gets old enough to walk and starts understanding larger concepts, I will hand him a dust rag or a broom, and he can help with that. When he’s around 3, I will start giving him set chores. Those chores will be based on what his cognitive and physical capabilities are at that point, and I will be right there to help him learn how to do them properly.

Once a child reaches an age and understanding where they can regularly complete household chores, there is an easy way to establish them helping in your home. A small index card box or ring holds “chore” cards listing the things that child can do. Each day, the child simply takes the chore cards for that day. You can have them choose different cards as often as you’d like, but a new set of chores every week is a good place to start, so that they can learn and master a given task. If they don’t do their assigned chore, don’t do it for them. The ways you can discipline for “forgetting” is for a whole other newsletter, but don’t fear, we will tackle that, too.

Eventually they will wonder why their friends are being paid and they are not. This is when you explain to them that they live under your roof, they eat out of your refrigerator, they wear clothes that you have paid for, etc. Most likely they will complain, but this is when you walk away. They’ll follow you, they’ll beg and plead for $5 for the ice cream truck, they’ll say they won’t do their chores if you won’t pay them. Just ignore, ignore, ignore! Eventually they will get tired of complaining and they’ll leave you alone. And hopefully the next place you’ll see them is wiping down the kitchen counters. One day, they will thank you. And so will the world, because you will have given it a member of society who knows how to give back.

A Call for Manners, March 2013

By Sarah Hamaker

For as far back as anyone can remember, there has been tension between those who believe in manners and those who think those little civilities are creativity crushers. The task of teaching manners to the next generation falls upon parents, who too often shove aside such instruction because of too-full schedules or a mistaken impression that manners don’t matter anymore.

For those who might be inclined to believe manners are passé or who are growing weary of the task, here are five reasons why parents should teach manners to their children. If you need guidance on how to teach—or which manners should be taught when—see the resources at the end of this newsletter.

1. Manners build respect. Teaching youngsters to address their elders as Mrs. Jones, Miss or Ms. Lee, and Mr. Smith is more than semantics. It’s a tangible way to help children show respect to grownups, from teachers to soccer coaches to neighbors. And by showing respect to others, children develop respect for themselves and their peers.

2. Manners build compassion. Holding doors open for the person behind you is more than being nice—it’s showing that you care about someone else. Teaching children the small courtesies in life, such as holding doors, not rushing into the elevator car before people disembark, and picking up and returning objects someone else has dropped, will reinforce the idea that we should have a care for our fellow human beings.

3. Manners build character. Waiting to speak until someone else is finished develops patience, a trait of which most of us desire to have more. Politeness also reveals more about the person being courteous than the person receiving the courtesies.

4. Manners build a better family. When everyone—parents and kids—are expected to use words like “please,” and “thank you,” family life is calmer and more civilized.

5. Manners build civilization. Society breaks down when people stop being nice to one another, and manners are  tangible way to show this niceness. How many times have you been tempted to snap back at the person who let the door slam in your face? We all need manners in order to be kind to one another.

Teaching manners is a gift we parents give to the community at large. Our job to civilize the little heathens that are our children can be thankless at times, but we are sowing seeds that will reap a harvest in the years to come.

Manner Resources

Elbows Off the Table, Napkin in the Lap, No Video Games During Dinner: The Modern Guide to Teaching Children Good Manners by Carol McD. Wallace

The Gift of Good Manners: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children by Peggy Post and Cindy Post Senning, Ed.D.

Mad About Manners, www.schoolofprotocol.com, offers resources for teaching children manners.

He Isn’t Taking Mandarin Yet?, February 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

The pressure is on, moms. Kids (and babies) today are growing up in a world where some of their peers have been taking Spanish, Mandarin (yes), sign language, ballet, reading classes, etc., since they were infants. And before they were born, these kids were registered for classes and five top-tier preschools.

Parental micromanagement and over-stimulation of children are at an all time high. When did we as parents start feeling the need to teach our six month olds to read? Why do we succumb to the pressure to have our children involved in so many activities that our mini-vans and brains are constantly on empty?

Extra-curricular and learning activities aren’t necessarily bad, but nowadays, many parents are getting their kids involved early and in excess. Kids are no longer able to just be kids.

How do we combat this? How do we foster creativity and learning in our children without taking them to a different “class” every day? Here’s the simple answer—we let them be children. We provide them with learning opportunities around the house when we cook or clean, and we send them outside to ride bikes and build forts and make friends.

Some of my favorite memories of growing up are baking cookies with my mom and building forts in the woods with my neighborhood friend. Children need space and freedom to be creative and to explore the world around them. They can learn more from the birds in the air and the leaves on the trees than they can from running to activity after activity, especially when all of these experiences are wearing them out. Again, providing enriching experiences for kids isn’t bad. It’s the over-supply and non-stop pressure to perform that is hindering our children’s “children-ness.”

So don’t give in to the pressure to expose them to every avenue possible and in turn never leave the driver’s seat of your mini-van. You are the parent. When your child begs to sign up for yet another sport, explain to them that when they are able drive, they can get themselves to whatever activities they’d like. And leave it at that.

A good guideline is to let each child pick one activity per season, but do what works best for you and your family. Let them pick a music class, an art class, or a sport, but also choose some time to just be home and let your kids be kids. Bake with them, send them outside, and let their imaginations run free so that they can build worlds all of their own in their own yards and bedrooms.

The Importance of Leadership, January 2013

by Sarah Hamaker

Leadership: The ability to lead; the act of leading.

Leadership synonyms: authoritativeness, influence, command, effectiveness

“The problem is that when a person in a leadership position attempts to establish a close relationship with the people he is leading, his effectiveness as a leader is canceled. Children need good leadership, at least until they have developed good impulse control.” –John Rosemond in Parent Babble

The start of a new year is a good time to take stock of what you want your parenting to be in 2013. Do you want a better relationship with your children? Do you want to have a more calm approach to discipline? Do you want to get on the same page with your spouse on parenting issues?

A great place to start is your overall parenting philosophy, which can be easier to change than you think. As leaders, parents help shepherd their children from babyhood to adulthood, taking into account their abilities and development along the way.

But for many parents, leadership has become something to avoid. Democracy in the family has replaced leadership, and the result is chaos. No one is in charge. By trying to elevate children to the same level as parents, the family becomes mired in a no-win situation.

If companies were run like some families are—with everyone having equal input into decisions—things would break down pretty quickly. It’s when a business has a good leader, one who makes the tough decisions, takes action when things go wrong, and leads with love and authority that the company thrives. As parents, we should be more like CEOs of our family, rather than dictators.

The same is true of a family. When parents focus on leadership and love, which go hand-in-hand, the family can grow as the children get older. Effective leaders don’t micromanage their employees, but let them perform the tasks assigned within certain parameters. Leaders set limits, project authority and garner respect.

Effective leaders don’t worry about whether or not their employees like them. They are more concerned with making sure the company is going in the right direction and that the workers are doing their jobs. For children, this means obeying their parents in all things. For parents, it means leading their children and setting a good example of how to be a responsible and caring mother and father.

Effective leaders also don’t get upset when their decisions are not popular. They know that as leaders, they have to make tough calls that their employees will likely not understand until they are leaders themselves. The same with parents: Parents make hard decisions that their children will not understand until they are parents themselves.

Effective leaders also say what they mean and mean what they say. There’s no wishy-washiness about what they say, no room for interpretation. As a result, their employees know where they stand and what’s expected of them. Therefore, the leader usually gets the results he or she seeks. For parents, this means giving clear instructions, not repeating themselves, and expecting their children to be obedient.

Leading as a parent doesn’t mean you rule with an iron fist. It means you lead with love, which translates into a household of happy children and an atmosphere of fun. Which place would you rather be?