Avoiding a Snow Day Scramble

When school is cancelled because of inclement weather, most parents breath a sigh of despair as visions of their planned day dissolve like melted snow on the doormat. But with a little bit of forethought, snow days don’t have to spell disaster for parents, especially those who might need to work from home.

1. Have a schedule. In the morning (or the night before, depending on when you know about the closing), jot down a loose itinerary for the day. Include things you have to get done but also insert some time for the kids. For example, if you know you have a 10 a.m. conference call, tell the kids you’ll be unavailable then, but that you can help them build a snowman after lunch. Help your kids plan their day too, including any homework assignments they might need to accomplish. After the structure of school, it can be soothing to have an agenda for the day.

2. Get together a “snow day emergency” bag of tricks. For unexpected days at home, it’s always a good idea to have on hand some new things for the kids to do, such as coloring or sticker books, puzzles, games and books. When the day is over, put these items back into the bag or bin in order to have them ready for the next day off.

3. Make a list of Things to Do When You’re Bored. When thrown off their usual schedule, some kids don’t know what to do with themselves. Having a list of indoor ideas that are a bit out of the ordinary can jumpstart their imaginations. Your list could include

• Build a fort out of blankets and chairs
• Go on a scavenger hunt around the house (a list could include hairpins, bandages, cotton balls, shoe laces, tea bags and a spool of thread)
• Have a tea party with dolls or stuffed animals
• Interact with your pet
• Organize your dolls or action figures
• Play construction site with your trucks
• Bake or cook something
• Reorganize your books into a library
• Write and perform a one-act play
• Plan your family’s summer vacation
• Memorize and recite a favorite poem
• Learn new magic tricks.

4. Separate the kids for quiet time. Whatever the age, a day of togetherness can wear on all siblings. Plan ahead by having an hour or two in the mid-afternoon for some separation. You could split them up by age, gender or personality, or send them to individual spaces around the house for some quiet reading or listening time. Some time apart for the children can help keep the house on an even keel.

5. Limit the electronics. Screen time of any sort can wind up, rather than calm down, a child. Letting the kids watch TV, stream movies or play video games for hours on end will do little to keep the harmony of the house. Set a limit but give them some choice. For example, on snow days, we let our children watch one movie, but we let them pick the flick and the time they want to watch it.

6. Remember your own childhood excitement about snow days. Sometimes, we forget how wonderful an unexpected snow day can be to a child. Recapture some of that magic by playing for a bit in the snow with your kids, making hot chocolate for them for afterwards, or spending time by the window looking at the snow fall. Watching their shiny, smiling faces enjoy the white tableau can bring back your own childhood memories of snowball fights, sledding and snowmen. Share some of those with your children and don’t forget to make new memories with them.

By following some of these tips, the next time it snows, you won’t be thrown for a loop. Instead, you’ll be able to greet the unexpected day home with calm confidence. 

A Holiday Survival Guide for Parents

Twas mid-December, and the pressure is building

As parents scramble to fill a list that is growing

The children are bouncing off of the walls

With visions of presents and huge popcorn balls.

And what do Mom and Dad wish the most

During this season of gifts and being a host?

To find some peace in the middle of the noise

And to recapture that feeling of Christmas joys.

If you find yourself at your wits’ end this time of year, here are some tips for surviving Christmas and New Year’s.

1. Know your children’s limits. Meltdowns generally happen when kids are tired, cranky and/or hungry. One way to help a child not have a temper tantrum is to ensure they are not constantly overtired and overwhelmed.

For example, if the kids are young, don’t skip too many naps or push bedtime back too often. If large crowds tend to over-stimulate them, such as at a party, find a quieter space for them to decompress during the evening. Just keeping an eye on the clock and leaving

2. Be prepared. Having the resources to help a child avoid a meltdown is just smart parenting. For example, when our children were toddlers, we would bring a snack with us when going to my in-laws for dinner because the meal would usually be served later than the children were used to eating. Making sure the children had a snack helped them not become overly cranky waiting for dinner.

Having an “entertainment” bag with favorite books, drawing pad/coloring book with colored pencils or crayons, small stuffed animals or plastic figurines or cars can be a great way to help a child find something to do at locations that aren’t as kid-friendly as your home.

3. Remember your own childhood excitement. Let’s face it—this time of year, we as adults sometimes get way too busy and stressed to really recall the magic of Christmas, the thrill of ringing in the New Year. That “amnesia” can make us short with our kids’ natural exuberance about presents and seeing family and Santa.

Think about how much you enjoyed about the holidays and keep that image and feeling in mind as you hear your children’s squeals of excitement, see them bouncing around the house, and generally become nearly overwrought with anticipation. Having that empathy will help keep our own Scroogeness in check.

4. Relax and enjoy the holidays. Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect—truly it doesn’t! Finding just the right gift, or baking the perfect cookies, or selecting the best tree on the lot shouldn’t be our aim this time of year. We should remember that Christmas is less about things and more about people.

But if we run around frantic to create the most perfect Christmas ever, we will inevitably lose out on the enjoyment to be found in the quieter moments. Don’t overlook the magic of family traditions, such as driving around in pajamas looking at Christmas lights. Those are the memories that your children will take with them into adulthood.

Use this guide to have your own very Merry Christmas!

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 3

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 8: Children will learn to resolve conflict on their own. While we don’t have to teach our kids to fight, we do have to teach them how to resolve fights in a way that helps, not hinders, their relationship with each other. Here are a few things to keep in mind when teaching conflict resolution.

It starts with self control. The benefits of self-discipline, while timeless in nature, have fallen out of favor in today’s ultra-busy, ultra-competitive environment. In addition, the expectation of instant gratification has pushed the virtue of self-control to the back burner. Discipline of self isn’t on display in the public’s eye as it once was. Maintaining self control is an important component of conflict resolution. Exercising self control in the midst of extreme provocation is essential to resolving conflict in a way that’s fruitful for all parties involved.

Children need to develop a desire for peace. Part of teaching conflict resolution to our children is instilling in them a desire for a peaceful, calm environment. That’s why we need to give them the tools for conflict resolution—and then step back to let them figure out how to achieve peace. Intervening to have peace can be detrimental to children learning how to resolve conflict on their own—and to develop a desire for peace themselves.

We need to help them use words, not fists. In children, especially the younger ones, frustration often erupts into striking out at the source. When that’s a sibling, tears or retaliation usually follows. It’s a rare family that doesn’t occasionally encounter some hitting, shoving, pinching, slapping, or biting among their children. One of the most important tools in conflict resolution is learning how to use words and not physical force to get the upper hand in a situation.

We need to help them cool down first. In the heat of battle, tempers flare, words fly, and feelings spill over into one huge mess. Many times, the initial step toward successful conflict resolution is time to calm down. (There are no right or wrong ways to accomplish this, as it depends on your children’s ages and temperaments, along with the size of your home.

We need to give them the right tools for arguments. Arguments can be constructive but more times than not, the way we disagree negates any positive outcome. If your house is anything like mine, your children get into some pretty heated arguments over some pretty silly—at least to our grownup sensibilities—things. Providing our kids with the skills to have discussions that are respectful and fruitful is one key to reducing sibling conflict. If each one has her say and feels the others listen and “get” her side, the outcome—no matter if it’s for or against—usually makes everyone happy—or at least able to move on from the disagreement.

We need to teach them how to apologize—and receive an apology. Apologizing is one of the key components to conflict resolution—and one of the easiest ways to reinstate hostilities if perceived to be insincere. There’s more to apologizing than saying, “I’m sorry,” and we are sadly neglecting our duty as parents if we only require or expect those two words from our children.

We need to know when to get involved. Parents often stumble when it comes to knowing when to get involved in the fights of their offspring. The simple answer is as little as possible! As I’ve told my kids, if there’s no blood, don’t get me involved.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 2

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 5: We need to give our children equal attention. We often fall into the trap of wanting to be so precisely fair with time spent with our kids that we overlook them as individuals. Some kids may require more parental attention because of age (infants and toddlers), health (sickness or chronic disease), or special needs (academic, mental, or physical). Most families experience giving one child more attention for a period of time for a variety of reasons that could be temporary or permanent.

Myth 6: Competition in the home is inevitable. Some parents further complicate the issue by insisting that competition in the home is good practice for kids because it can prepare them for living in a dog-eat-dog world. Others view competition as a way to get ahead in life, to become a “winner” instead of a “loser.” Again, what these views fail to consider is that pitting children against one another does little to build them up into responsible and respectful adults. While both views have a grain of truth, overall, our homes should strive to be less competitive and more cooperative, less focused on winning and more centered on respecting and loving each other.

Myth 7: Fairness should rule in everything. Parents have embraced the “fairness doctrine” as a way to ensure their children get along. After all, if we treat each one exactly the same, they will have less to bicker about, right? Wrong. Children will always find things to cry, “It’s not fair!” We need to realize that children have a warped sense of fairness as it relates specifically to them. They have a stake in the outcome of everything, which skews their view of situations. What they think is fair and impartial often isn’t in the true sense of the phrase. If we start trying to be fair in all that we do with and for our children, we will end up pleasing no one and paving the way for more sibling rivalry in the future.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 1

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 1: Children who fight as kids will grow up to hate each other. We’ve forgotten as adults that kids will fight more than we do—and make up faster, too. Children also don’t have a strong filter in place that stops them from lobbing the object (or verbal word) that sparks a fight.

The good news is that I’ve spoken to many parents who fought with their siblings as kids but grew up to be friends as adults. Just because your children bicker doesn’t mean they won’t like each other later in life. Keep in mind that proximity often contributes to the fight and when siblings don’t have to live with each other, they find they like each other much better.

What it does mean is that parents should ensure that the normal fighting between siblings—and it is normal for brothers and sisters to fight—doesn’t descend into rivalry, which has the potential to break the bonds and destroy fellowship. Some of those ways include banning name calling and physical contact in fights.

Myth 2: Getting along with siblings isn’t really that important. Why should parents care that their children are fighting? Because being pleasant and kind to one another has a more far-reaching significance than peace at that moment. Children who learn to resolve conflict within a family through interactions with brothers and sisters have an advantage when they encounter discord outside of the home.

Myth 3: Parents can’t avoid having favorites. The fact is, we all compare our kids sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t largely avoid favoritism in general. Be aware that we sometimes show bias toward one child over another. Acknowledge that we sometimes do for one and not the others. Avoid comparing one child with a sibling in all things; instead, focus on describing what you saw or what you mean about the child in question. Be careful not to over-praise one child over others—in fact, overall, praise should be used sparingly with children.

Myth 4: We need to love our kids exactly the same. No, you don’t. We need to recognize that we love our children for who they are, not just because they’re a child of ours. Our children, while sharing some of the same characteristics and features, are in fact individuals. You simply can’t lump all of your kids together. Consider what makes your child unique and yet connected to the family, and love them for that.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Let It Go

With two elementary-school age daughter in our house, we’ve heard the songs from Frozen more times than we can remember. “Let It Go” has been the most popular song from that soundtrack, and with the lyrics swirling in my mind, I thought about how applicable the title is to parenting.

Letting go is the hardest thing we learn to do as parents, but we often let go of the wrong things. Here’s what we should let go of when child rearing.

Image courtesy of thawats/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let go of our expectations. This encompasses our expectations for our family, for our children, for our future. When we stop worrying about what we’re not and focus on who we are instead, we will have a richer, more full life together.

Let go of our fears. We all have things we’re afraid will happen to our children, whether it’s failing a grade or doing drugs. The vast majority of things we’re fearful of are out of our control—and we would parent better if we loosen our grip on those things and leave the fears in God’s capable hands.

Let go of our desires. We desire so many things for our children—a good life, a wonderful future. But just like with fears, our desires can take over and color every aspect of our parenting until we push and pull too much in our children’s lives.

You can probably fill in a few things of your own that you should jettison. By letting go of those things, we can hold fast to what really matters. Here’s what we should hold onto.

Hold onto family values. This is a phrase that has gotten a lot of bad press in the political arena, but one of the greatest joys of child rearing is giving the next generation the family values of the present and past ones. Teaching our children family values is more important than them mastering soccer or ballet. Make sure you take the time to show through words and actions the value of the family and what you believe.

Hold onto our commonsense. So many times, we ignore our commonsense and make things more complicated. Keep your commonsense, especially as it relates to parenting, and you’ll

Hold onto marriage first. By putting your relationship with your spouse before your children, you will help them to properly orient themselves to the family and the world at large. Focusing on your marriage also helps you to keep the light of your love alive during the challenging and joyful days of child rearing.

Developing the delicate balancing act of letting go on some things and holding on tight to others might seem overly ambitious, but with care, we can become the parents God has called us to be.

Meanie or Softie?

By Sarah Hamaker

Are you a “softie” or a “meanie” when it comes to parenting? Too many parents, fearing to be labeled “mean” by their children, have chosen to be “soft” when it comes to many child-rearing decisions. But being a “mean” parent has many more advantages than being a “soft” parent, as this true story illustrates.

We’ve never been much of a technology family, nor do we have plans to become one. Neither my husband or I have a smartphone, and we truly are happy without one. However, I recently decided to purchase a tablet in order to be more mobile in my parent coach business and when I announced at dinner that I had ordered the device, all four kids began a chorus of “I want one,” and “Can we use it?”

Image courtesy of Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To which I said promptly and without guilt, “No.” I had no problem telling the disappointed children that the tablet would be for me and me alone. There would be no games for kids, no movies downloaded for their entertainment. Then my oldest (11 years old) chimed in that most of her friends had smartphones, and we had the following conversation:

Me: “You’re not going to have one and feel free to blame your mean mom as the reason.”

Naomi: “Oh, I do say you won’t get one for me. Then Suzie told me to keep asking repeatedly, that might wear you down and you’ll get me one.”

Me, trying not to smile too broadly: “What did you say to that?”

Naomi, with a long-suffering sigh of resignation: “I told her that wouldn’t work with you and I’d probably end up in my room if I whined too much.”

Me: “I’m glad we understand each other so well.”

Now, a “soft” parent would have hemmed and hawed, and worried about how her daughter portrayed the parent to her friends. A “soft” parent would have focused on the fact that the child was experiencing some discomfort because she didn’t have what many of her peers had. A “soft” parent would have wanted to remedy the situation, even though it might violate the family’s technology rules or not be in their budget. In short, a “soft” parent cares more about her child’s comfort or distress than about doing what’s right for the child and family in the long run.

In contrast, a “mean” parent knows that a child will want things that aren’t good for her, aren’t feasible for the family, or don’t fit in with the family’s overall philosophy. A “mean” parent knows that her child will more often than not disagree with many of the parenting decisions made. A “mean” parent has no problem saying no when necessary, sticking to her guns or riding out the wave of discomfort or distress her stance produces in the child. In short, a “mean” parent says what she means and means what she says, thus eliminating the need for most of the whining, bickering and pleading children employ to get what they want.

I challenge you to become a “mean” parent—and see what a marked difference that will make in your parenting and your children.

High Fives and Fist Bumps March 2014

How do many of today’s parents react to praise-worthy deeds in their offspring? With high fives and fist bumps, of course. After all, that’s how kids honor each other’s achievements. What parent doesn’t want to share in the joy of a job well done with a little hand slapping or knuckle brushing?

I don’t, and neither should you. Wait, hear me out before you drown me in a sea of protests. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t celebrate with their children. We give hugs, pats on the back, a smile and “Well done” to our children, but no high fives or fist bumps between parents and children.

But why? Why shouldn’t we slap some skin with our kids? For one very simple reason: high fives and fist bumps are salutary exchanges given between peers. The very beginning of these exclamations of solidarity took place between those on equal footing with each other—in other words, peers. High schoolers slap high fives in the hallways, football players chest bump after a good play, chess players fist bump after a winning combination of moves. What do these situations have in common? That’s right, they are all between peers and have a familiarity that doesn’t not, should not, exist between parent and child.

Image courtesy of Ned White/ThinkStock.com

Parent/child high-fiving or fist bumping are the physical equivalent of a kid using a grownup’s first name. Children need to be taught the proper form of addressing adults with formal titles like Mr., Miss, Mrs., Sir, and Ma’am. Kids should learn to shake an adult’s hand politely, not slap it so hard it stings.

High fiving and fist bumping between child and adult are symptomatic of an adult’s need to be accepted or approved by the child. In short, to be cool or popular. Do Mom and Dad need to be labeled “cool” by their children? No, because instead parents have a more important job: to be the clearly defined leader in the home.

Do CEOs fist bump their secretaries after a particular good job performance? I hardly think so. Do you see professional coaches high fiving players after a winning touchdown or score? What these coaches and CEOs realize is that to be an effective leader, one can’t be a peer nor do things that only peers do, such as fist bumping and high fiving one another. Effective leaders know that means they will miss out on some of the camaraderie that takes place among peers, but that’s a small price to pay for being that effective leader.

Leave the fist bumping and high fiving to your children. You’ll find that there will be less confusion as to your leadership role in the process—and you’ll find different ways to express your joy in their achievement.

About Sarah Hamaker

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She is available for one-on-one coaching via email or Popexpert (video conferencing), as well as in person. Sarah also can speak to groups on a variety of parenting topics. Her book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Kids From War to Peace, will be published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City in October 2014.

Parenting with Love and Leadership February 2014

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

Is love alone enough to raise successful kids? Can you love them through toddlerhood, childhood and teenage years? While love tops the list of important things you can give your child, leadership is right alongside it. Children need to know that their parents love them and will consistently lead them through life. Boundaries and leadership give children security and help mold them into responsible and successful adults.

Being a leader does not mean barking orders at your children or placing such high expectations on them that they cannot possibly maintain. It does mean speaking to them in a way in which they know that you are in control, that you are above them and in charge. For example, when instructing them to clean up their toys, you shouldn’t say “Can you clean up your toys, please?” Instead, you should say “It’s time to clean up your toys now.” Phrasing commands correctly lets them know that they do not have a choice in the matter, and that you are not their buddy simply hoping they will comply. When and if they don’t follow your instructions, you can continue to lead them with effective consequences.

Commanding your children can seem like a harsh way to speak to them, but the beauty of parenting with love and leadership is that when you are displaying leadership, they know how much you love them. They don’t hear your words as harsh or mean, they see you as a parent who loves them and is in charge. Boundaries give children a sense of security because they know that their lives are not in their own hands and that they do not worry about what they can and should be doing. They can live in freedom knowing that they are loved and cared for, and that they will be instructed on what to do when the need arises. They will fight back some of the time, but in the end they will thank you for how much you care.

Loving first, then leading your children in a way that they know you are in control of any given situation in an important factor in raising successful adults. It provides security and gives them the confidence to grow through their lives. You love your children, that part comes naturally. Leadership takes practice and consistency for everyone involved but is an incredibly important part of parenting.

About Mary Elizabeth Pieritti

Mary Elizabeth is a Certified Coach in the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute and really enjoys working with families on making their homes run more smoothly and peacefully. She has a true love for children and believes that the happiest children are those with well-defined boundaries. Mary Elizabeth is available to work with you and your family on creating and enforcing boundaries while fostering a home full of love and laughter. Visit her website at novatraditionalparenting.wordpress.com.

New Year, New You, January 2014

By Sarah Hamaker

What are your parenting goals for 2014? Do you want to stop yelling at your children all the time? Do you want to stop parenting on the fly and start parenting with purpose? Do you want to have a calmer home with happier children?

All those things are possible, but, like with most New Year’s Resolutions, it will take hard work on your part. The good news is that once you master the basics, you will have built a solid foundation from which to parent—and things will get easier. That’s not to say your children won’t have bad days or that you won’t blow your top when the kids break your favorite glass cat figurine. It does mean you will pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again.

How do you become the parent you have always wanted to be? You start by realizing that the child produces the child, not the parent. Yes, you have a role, an important one, in raising your child. But ultimately, no one is responsible for your child except for your child.

How does this help you become a better parent? By taking away the guilt and the blame and the stress of trying to be the perfect parent. You will fail, sometimes spectacularly, as a parent, but that doesn’t mean your child will turn out badly. You will succeed, sometimes wonderfully, as a parent, but that doesn’t mean your child will be a success in life.

Keeping Traditions Simply, Yet Meaningful, December 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

It’s Christmas time! We all have memories of our celebrations growing up, and as parents, we try in some way to create holiday memories for our own children. There are so many opportunities and experiences for families, how do you decide which will settle into the hearts of your children and last a lifetime? Things can get out of hand quickly, and while not all of the “over the top” Christmas traditions are bad, they aren’t all necessary for the magic of Christmas. When you are able to keep traditions simple but meaningful, they will not only provide your family with special holiday memories, but they will also allow you to maintain your sanity in this wonderful but potentially hectic time of year.

One of our favorite things to do is get coffee, then drive around and look at Christmas lights. This is one of the simplest memories, but the family time together in the car seeing what others have done to decorate is such a special time. We don’t drive hours out of our way to seek out the biggest light show; we just pick neighborhoods near us, drive through them, and see what we can find. One of the reasons this is so exciting is because you never know what you’ll stumble upon, and every year is different. We have some favorites that we return to every year, and the anticipation of the giant lighted candy cane down the street is met with great excitement. It is a special night every year, and one I know I look forward to, and as my kids get older, I hope they will, too!

Another popular tradition is “Elf on the Shelf” or “Magic Elves.” While we don’t do this in our family yet, mostly because my son is too young, I’m not sure if we ever will. Hear me out on this, as I know some of you have elves and are very tied to the sense of magic they bring. Elves in your house “watching” for Santa and mysteriously moving around at night aren’t in and of themselves a bad thing, but why do we as parents sometimes go out of our way to create a mess just for us to clean up ourselves later? When elves spill cereal at night, or squish toothpaste all over the bathroom counter, there is no doubt that kids will laugh. There is also no doubt that you, the parent who actually made the mess, will be scrubbing up whatever mess the elf left behind. Why not make it easier on yourself? The magic of elves, if you choose to have them, can be kept simpler by a child just searching each morning for his elf in a new and creative place. If you already have elves who make messes and you want out of this tradition, you can fix it easily by doing something along the lines of a letter from Santa explaining that his elf will no longer be tearing your house apart, but will still be floating around as his watchman.

In all of the traditions of Christmas and the holiday season, keep in mind that you are the parent. What works for one family may not work for yours, and that’s okay. If you choose not to drive out of your way for a larger Christmas light show or to keep elves off your shelves, the most important thing is that YOU have made the decision. Memories of special holiday traditions are wonderful and meaningful but they don’t have to add stress to your family and cause you to feel out of control. Bake cookies with your kids, watch Christmas movies, drink hot chocolate in front of the fire—but only if this is fun for you and your family. This time as a family is what will last with them and will be what they carry over to their own families one day--not the Lucky Charms all over the kitchen floor.

Creating a Thankful Heart, November 2013

By Sarah Hamaker

This time of year, our thoughts should be turning to counting our blessings, but the relentless push by retailers to get us thinking about Christmas shopping often intrudes. This year, let’s resolve to reflect more on the intangibles of the season instead of the presents, the gifts we have of family, friends, and—for most of us—plenty. Let’s ignore the greediness of more stuff and focus instead on the thankfulness of contentment. Let’s find joy in the small gestures instead of the grandness of towering gift piles.

As parents, we need to help our children navigate this season with love and thankful hearts, no matter what our circumstances. We might have plenty or we might face want. We might have lots of family or we might have a small circle of friends. We might have employment or we might be making do with seasonal jobs.

Wherever we find ourselves, we can show our kids that happiness doesn’t begin with stuff and money, but from the heart. Here are some ways we can help them to develop a true thankfulness that will resonate long after the tinsel falls from the tree.

The joy of a smile. How often do you look at the faces of people rushing about this holiday season and see only worry lines or stress? Teaching our children to simply smile, to make sure our faces reflect what’s in our hearts, is a small way to make a big difference.

The small courtesies. Don’t overlook the power of “please” and “thank you” to soothe the ruffled feathers of clerks, cashiers and others in retail settings. Remember to be kind to everyone you encounter and you might just be the one person who makes their day a little easier.

The less fortunate. No matter where you are in life, giving to others can be a blessing to you—and to them. If you are low on funds, volunteer to help with a food drive or delivery, or work at a local pantry or soup kitchen. If you have some extra cash, sponsor a family for the holiday season or “adopt” a child through Angel Tree. There are many ways you and your family can be involved in helping those in your community who need a little Christmas spirit.

The neighbors. Don’t forget to share the season with your neighborhood. Having a nice light display can cheer someone’s heart. Giving small baskets of homemade cookies to your neighbors can go a long way to creating warm relationships.

The family. Sometimes, we get so busy with everyone else, we forget our families. Set aside some time to do things together. Visiting a light display at a local park, eating popcorn while watching a favorite Christmas movie, or decorating the tree together can build special memories that will outlast gifts.

However you choose to spend this season, keep in mind that what you do in the days leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas says as much—if not more—about your thoughts on those holidays as what you do on the actual days. Make it a point to do what you can to spread thankfulness and true holiday cheer in these weeks. You might just find you have created a new holiday tradition, one your family will return to again and again.

Early Learning: Discovering the World, October 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

As the school year continues to unfold, learning is a hot topic! Last month, we talked about homework and school-issues for older children, and this month we’ll talk about our littler people, the early-learners.

The toddler and preschool years are full of wonder and new experiences. Children this age are complete sponges for information and learning. With everything being new and exciting, it’s hard to know what they’re taking in and how to make sure we capitalize on their eagerness. Sometimes it seems as though they are bursting with knowledge and information, and at other times it can feel like you’re running against a brick wall. This is normal! Here are some tips for getting the most out of these years of learning excitement.

It is normal for toddlers and preschoolers to go in and out of learning phases. Developmentally, they vacillate between physical and cognitive growth, usually conquering one milestone at a time. For instance, a one-year-old may spend a few weeks mastering learning to walk, while vocabulary growth takes a backseat for a while. When walking is mastered, vocabulary may rapidly expand, until it’s time to work on running, climbing, etc.

When you notice your child flourishing in one area of expansion or another, encourage them in the task they are working on but also continue to expose them to the “back-seat” tasks as well. One example would be to take your toddler outside for walks and discuss the trees and leaves as you amble along. This encourages him in his walking milestone but continues to stimulate his vocabulary as well.

As your child moves into his second year, gross motor tasks are being mastered and fine motor skills are ready to come into play. A two-year-old is a great block stacker and becomes ready to start learning to manipulate smaller items, like paper and crayons. Letting them explore the art of coloring, ripping paper, and even pasting can provide opportunities for them to learn to control their muscles and are the building blocks for things like tracing, cutting and writing.

Start with small expectations, such as covering a large area with paper and let them scribble with crayons. As they get older, you can provide simple projects like giving them pieces of colorful paper and allowing them to glue them to a drawn shape. Glue sticks are great for projects like this and are not nearly as messy as liquid glue. Learning to rip may seem like a strange task, but in actuality figuring out how to rip paper front to back instead of pulling outward is an important skill for little fingers and will help them greatly as they learn to first cut ragged strips and eventually lines and shapes.

Try not to get discouraged if your child seems to hit a speed-bump in a skill you’re working on, and remember that they are little sponges, soaking in everything. Capitalize on teachable moments as they come and continue to provide opportunities for learning even though sometimes they may not seem interested. This is a time when learning is fun and should be encouraged to be exciting and interesting for them, not full of pressure. The whole world is still so new to them, let them enjoy it and experience it!

New School Year Resolutions, September 2013

By Sarah Hamaker

The start of a school year is similar to the start of a new year. New teachers, new classrooms, sometimes new schools all make September a month of learning new things. With fresh academic year ahead for your children, I propose that parents adopt the following New School Year Resolutions. These resolutions will help smooth the way to a successful school year for your students.

Resolution 1. I will not complain about my children’s teachers. It’s actually kind of sad that we have to say this, but for some parents, complaining about who their precious child got for a teacher has become a fall sport. It used to be that teachers were held up with respect by every parent, no matter how good a “fit” the teacher’s personality and teaching style was with the child.

The fact is, nearly every teacher works hard to provide the best education they can for our children. The very least we can do is speak well, not ill, of our children’s teachers. This means in public and in private, we will not disparage teachers, especially in front of our children or within earshot. By supporting our teachers in this way, we show our children how to respect their teachers.

Resolution 2. I will take the teacher’s word over my child’s. Whatever happened to giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt? Fifty or sixty years ago, if a teacher told a parent her child had misbehaved, the parent would believe the teacher over any protestations from the child, knowing that a child is an unreliable witness to situations in which he has a stake.

Nowadays, many teachers are fearful of telling parents about any infractions because so many parents automatically—and vehemently—take their child’s side even before they know the facts of the situation. This year, resolve to make it clear that you will not tolerate misbehavior in the classroom. Also inform your students that it’s their responsibility—and only theirs—to get along with their teachers, no matter how “difficult” those teachers may appear to be.

Resolution 3. Homework is the sole responsibility of my child. Who’s response for homework, the parent or the child? In many households, it’s the parents—and the schools are not much help in this regard, what with all the planners and instructions for homework that come home to the attention of the parents. But the only person who should have responsibility for homework is the student. So back off and let the chips fall where they may.

If your child doesn’t complete or turn in homework, make it clear to the teacher that you expect your child to get the grades her work deserves. If the teacher gives a poor grade on uncompleted homework, then your child will suffer the consequences. If the teacher makes your child sit out recess to finish her homework in class, then your child will suffer the consequences. The only responsibility you have as a parent in regard to homework is to make sure your child has a place to do it. That’s it. Other than that, leave the homework to the child. After all, as I tell my kids, I have already passed elementary school and don’t need to repeat it.

Resolution 4: I will not bring to school what my child has forgotten at home. Whether it’s homework, musical instruments or lunches, if your child left it at home, home it stays. As with completing homework, it is the child’s responsibility to make sure he leaves for school with all the things he needs that day. The parent who takes that responsibility on herself by bringing a left-behind item to school is not helping her child learn that responsibility. It’s better to have a child figure out how not to forget things early in life than later in life. Less stress on the parent, too.

As your children settle into life back to school, resolve to take these resolutions to heart. With practice, your students will develop their own routines for handling school assignments and will figure out how to get along with their teachers. After all, school is but a preview of life, and the more responsibility we give our children, the more opportunities they have to shine and grow.

Teenage Expectations: The Path to Emancipation, August 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

We round out our summer “Expectations” series with the teen years. Just as the early preschool years can be filled with tempers and tantrums, the teen years can be, too. But take heart—they don’t have to be!

Teenagers are trying to bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood. We as parents help them gain their independence by doing the opposite of what feels right to do by stopping micromanagement of their lives and letting them make their own decisions, within boundaries of course.

Teens become more and more dependent on their peer group for influence and less and less attached to their parents. This is a good thing and should be encouraged. If their friends have blue hair or tattoos but aren’t involved in harmful activities, take a deep breath and accept the blue hair and inked skin. Resist the urge to manage their friendships. Unless you see serious red-flags in a person or group of people, let your teen pick his friends. They will need to do this in the adult world, and learning to do it with you having an ear to their activities is a good start.

Teens also need to be taking more responsibility with their school work and household chores. You don’t need to let your teen completely fail in grades or responsibilities but some natural consequences are good for them to experience. For example, if your teen is struggling in school, don’t check in with the teacher every week. Do establish a “contract” report that your teen has to have teachers sign is a good option. That leaves the responsibility for getting the work done and having their teachers approve it in the teen’s court, and lets her face the consequences of her own actions if she fails to meet the requirements.

Many parents today think that managing every minute of their child and teen’s lives will help them succeed. The parents make sure their children are involved in the right sports, spend lots of time in conferences with teachers to make sure they are making good grades, and organize them into activities with kids with which they want them to be friends. These intentions are good, very good indeed, but in the end can be harmful to your child’s successful emancipation and independence. You can’t be with your child every day in college, or come to their workplace every day, or choose their spouse. Teens especially need to be guided in their decisions but not controlled, so that when real-life comes at them, they will be able to critically think through decisions and make the right choices.

However, please don’t think you need to leave your teen completely alone and let them deal with life as it comes. They still need your support, love, and guidance now as much as ever. Leading them successfully into adulthood is your role as their parent. When and if they fail (most likely when), drop the hammer. Don’t be afraid to lay down real and strict consequences to help them understand that wrong actions are not okay. You shouldn’t hesitate to put them on full restriction when needed, taking away all privileges for an amount of time. By leading them to think critically and make choices that will further them as responsible adults, you will help guide them into adulthood and set them up for a bright future.

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New issues of the newsletter are emailed around the 15th of each month. Written by Sarah Hamaker, owner of Parent Coach NoVa, and Mary Elizabeth Piretti, owner of Northern Virginia Traditional Parenting, Practical Parenting addresses child-rearing issues, and provides real solutions and encouragement to parents.Both Sarah and Mary Elizabeth are certified Leadership Parenting Coaches™ through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute.

Elementary School Expectations: Decade of Discipleship, July 2013

By Sarah Hamaker

The elementary school years (ages 5 to 12) can be some of the best parenting years. Children this age are eager to please, eager to learn and eager to be helpful. Parents have a golden opportunity to disciple their children during these years, as parental influence is at its height.

Here are a few tips to help you make the most of this child-rearing season.

Establish clear expectations for behavior. Don’t leave room for misinterpretation in your instructions because kids are masters of taking advantage of any “wiggle room” they find.

Assign plenty of chores. Children should do chores every day to contribute to the family and the household. Generally, kids want to help do “grown-up” things, like cooking. Don’t miss the opportunity to properly train them in how to do chores—they are more capable than we often realize. [See the April 2013 issue of Practical Parenting for more on chores and children.]

Impart your values. Kids love to know why their family does things the way they do. This is the best time for parents to share with their children family traditions, stories, religious beliefs and thoughts on sex, drugs, politics, culture, etc. As a parent, you should develop an open dialogue with your children on these and other relevant topics in an age-appropriate way, of course.

Be consistent with discipline. Children will still be kids and that means they will misbehave and need to experience consequences. It’s worth it to put in the time to be consistent with your discipline—it will pave the way for a smoother transition to the teen years if your kids know you mean what you say, and you say what you mean.

Keep your humor intact. Parents should approach these years with a smile, as kids in this age group find many things hilarious—and you will, too, if you stop to join in their silliness.

Stop trying to figure out your kids. This is also the age when kids do things just because, so you can save yourself a lot of head-scratching if you don’t try to figure out the whys of behavior (both good and bad) and focus instead on dealing with the what.

Allow time for fun. Don’t over-schedule your children with sports, play dates, after school activities and other time-fillers. Kids will only want to sit in the dusk and watch the fireflies for a certain magical time, and the elementary school years are that time. Give them plenty of fresh air, sunshine and freedom to structure their own games and play fueled by imagination.

Preschool Expectation: Tantrums or Independence? June 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

It’s summertime! During the long hot months this summer, we’ll talk about three different age groups of children: preschoolers, school-aged children and teenagers. Each month, we’ll highlight some different expectations parents should have for the groupings.

This month, we’re focusing on preschoolers, the wild and precious age of childhood. Preschool-aged children are like sponges of knowledge, constantly taking in the world around them, assessing and learning in almost every situation. They also transition from babies to children, an often raucous move. Mood swings, temper tantrums and extreme energy are the norms for 3- to 5-year-olds. But does it have to be that way?

Before they turn 2, babies demand to be the center of their parents’ worlds, and rightfully so. They rely on adults to keep them fed, clothed and protected. As they get older and more mature, they voice their needs and wants, and become more independent and self-sufficient. They also learn that they aren’t the center of the universe—they don’t always like it. To be fair, I probably wouldn’t either!

As your child goes through this transition, you as a parent should have boundaries and expectations to let your child know that you are in charge and that he or she is only a little fish in a big sea. This is okay and necessary in order to raise individuals who care about the world and people around them.

Take temper tantrums for instance. Preschoolers need to know that they can’t throw tantrums wherever and whenever they feel like it. They need to know that when this happens, they will be promptly placed in a room where they can have their fit all alone. If parents give in to tantrums, they will only continue and get worse! It’s much easier to stop them when the child in question is under 5 than it will be when the child is age 7.

Preschoolers also can be given responsibilities and chances for independence. Let them pick out their own clothes most of the time. Teach them how to get themselves dressed. They are capable of brushing their hair and teeth, doing chores like making their beds or taking out the trash, and playing independently. Doing this teaches them important skills and enforces a routine of personal care helps them take responsibility for themselves. It will help them gain a sense of stability to know that they can do things on their own, and will help to keep them more “leveled.”

The preschool years don’t have to be filled with emotions and time-outs. Being given boundaries, responsibilities and skills builds independence and helps children transition to older childhood. It also reminds them that they aren’t the center of the world. Having this skill-set will help them function in elementary school and beyond. And will make your days with them a lot more peaceful and enjoyable!

Beating the Boredom Blues, May 2013

By Sarah Hamaker

“I am never bored anywhere: being bored is an insult to oneself.”

--Jules Renard, French author

Today’s children are often bored. Bored with toys, bored with time, bored unless someone plans their every waking moment. But boredom is a relatively new phenomenon, one that crept into our vocabulary in the 1800s, according to Patricia Meyer Spacks, author of Boredom: The Literary History of a State of Mind.

With all of our labor-saving devices, the value of the individual and the ever-quoted “pursuit of happiness” has made boredom possible. “‘If life was never boring in pre-modern times,’ [Spacks] writes, ‘neither was it interesting, thrilling or exciting, in the modern sense of these words.’”[i]

Today, many kids complain of boredom nearly constantly, which has flummoxed parents into believing that to be bored is one of the worst possible things for a child to experience. “At its best, boredom forces creativity,” writes Richard Louv in Last Child in the Woods.

Louv recommends—and I concur—a few things parents can do to encourage constructive boredom. Try these out and watch your child’s creativity blossom.

First, be there for your children. Make sure you set limits on electronic consumption. Take your kids into nature or the library or fishing—pursuits that are designed to jumpstart their imaginations.

Second, turn off the TV/movies. “Any parent who has punished a child by taking away TV priviledges and then watched that child play—slowly at first, then imaginatively, freely—will recognize the connection between time, boredom and creativity,” writes Louv. Give your kids plenty of opportunities for such development.

Third, balance adult direction with child boredom. When your kids utter, “I’m bored,” don’t rush to fill the void, but don’t let your kids wallow with too much boredom, either. Structure some activities but leave time for free thought and, yes, boredom.

Fourth, help your children figure out what to do in their bored moments. Give them suggestions that don’t involve electronics. My ebook Boredom Busters has dozens of such ideas.

Fifth, give an antidote to boredom—the chore jar. Nip boredom whining in the bud by creating a jar that lists irregular chores that aren’t on their task list. When a child complains of having nothing to do, point him to the chore jar and watch the whining magically disappear.

With summer right around the corner, the cries of “There’s nothing to do,” will ring out in every household. By focusing on the positive side of boredom—and with your handy chore jar ready for action—you can have a relaxing and enjoyable summer with your children.

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[i] All quotes from Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv, pages 166 to 168.

Everyone Can Pitch In, April 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

When I was growing up, my best friend lived in what seemed to me like the most unreasonably run house in the whole world. Besides the fact that she wasn’t allowed to watch TV on weekdays, every day when she got home from school, before she could do anything else, she had to complete her chores.

This was foreign to me. I did have to do the typical bed-making and unloading of the dishwasher, but I didn’t have a list of chores that had to be done before I could plant myself in front of the TV. I didn’t get it at all, and to top it off, she didn’t even get paid for her efforts! Obviously not normal, right?

Then I grew up, married, and now have a home of my own and a very busy 9-month-old baby. What I wouldn’t give for him to be big enough to help with the never ending list of to-dos around here. I absolutely cannot wait for him to reach the age where I can give him a job and let him do it. And I think he will be better for it.

My husband and I want to raise a responsible and giving member of society, and pitching in around the house is one of the first ways that he can learn to contribute. We don’t plan on paying him because we let him live with us, and eat our food, and wear the clothes we purchase for him. I know some of you are thinking, “Isn’t that just what we do for our kids?” Yes, it is, but they are fully capable of doing things for the family in return.

Chores teach children responsibility, give them a sense of purpose in the family, and teach home management skills. When a child is responsible for a part of the home, it shows that they are not just humans who can loaf around and let the world serve them. They are a part of something bigger in the world. Realizing that begins with learning that their home doesn’t revolve around them, just as the larger world doesn’t, either.

What kind of chores can kids do and at what ages can you start them? I have my child “help” me put away his toys every night. When he gets old enough to walk and starts understanding larger concepts, I will hand him a dust rag or a broom, and he can help with that. When he’s around 3, I will start giving him set chores. Those chores will be based on what his cognitive and physical capabilities are at that point, and I will be right there to help him learn how to do them properly.

Once a child reaches an age and understanding where they can regularly complete household chores, there is an easy way to establish them helping in your home. A small index card box or ring holds “chore” cards listing the things that child can do. Each day, the child simply takes the chore cards for that day. You can have them choose different cards as often as you’d like, but a new set of chores every week is a good place to start, so that they can learn and master a given task. If they don’t do their assigned chore, don’t do it for them. The ways you can discipline for “forgetting” is for a whole other newsletter, but don’t fear, we will tackle that, too.

Eventually they will wonder why their friends are being paid and they are not. This is when you explain to them that they live under your roof, they eat out of your refrigerator, they wear clothes that you have paid for, etc. Most likely they will complain, but this is when you walk away. They’ll follow you, they’ll beg and plead for $5 for the ice cream truck, they’ll say they won’t do their chores if you won’t pay them. Just ignore, ignore, ignore! Eventually they will get tired of complaining and they’ll leave you alone. And hopefully the next place you’ll see them is wiping down the kitchen counters. One day, they will thank you. And so will the world, because you will have given it a member of society who knows how to give back.

A Call for Manners, March 2013

By Sarah Hamaker

For as far back as anyone can remember, there has been tension between those who believe in manners and those who think those little civilities are creativity crushers. The task of teaching manners to the next generation falls upon parents, who too often shove aside such instruction because of too-full schedules or a mistaken impression that manners don’t matter anymore.

For those who might be inclined to believe manners are passé or who are growing weary of the task, here are five reasons why parents should teach manners to their children. If you need guidance on how to teach—or which manners should be taught when—see the resources at the end of this newsletter.

1. Manners build respect. Teaching youngsters to address their elders as Mrs. Jones, Miss or Ms. Lee, and Mr. Smith is more than semantics. It’s a tangible way to help children show respect to grownups, from teachers to soccer coaches to neighbors. And by showing respect to others, children develop respect for themselves and their peers.

2. Manners build compassion. Holding doors open for the person behind you is more than being nice—it’s showing that you care about someone else. Teaching children the small courtesies in life, such as holding doors, not rushing into the elevator car before people disembark, and picking up and returning objects someone else has dropped, will reinforce the idea that we should have a care for our fellow human beings.

3. Manners build character. Waiting to speak until someone else is finished develops patience, a trait of which most of us desire to have more. Politeness also reveals more about the person being courteous than the person receiving the courtesies.

4. Manners build a better family. When everyone—parents and kids—are expected to use words like “please,” and “thank you,” family life is calmer and more civilized.

5. Manners build civilization. Society breaks down when people stop being nice to one another, and manners are  tangible way to show this niceness. How many times have you been tempted to snap back at the person who let the door slam in your face? We all need manners in order to be kind to one another.

Teaching manners is a gift we parents give to the community at large. Our job to civilize the little heathens that are our children can be thankless at times, but we are sowing seeds that will reap a harvest in the years to come.

Manner Resources

Elbows Off the Table, Napkin in the Lap, No Video Games During Dinner: The Modern Guide to Teaching Children Good Manners by Carol McD. Wallace

The Gift of Good Manners: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children by Peggy Post and Cindy Post Senning, Ed.D.

Mad About Manners, www.schoolofprotocol.com, offers resources for teaching children manners.