Let It Go

With two elementary-school age daughter in our house, we’ve heard the songs from Frozen more times than we can remember. “Let It Go” has been the most popular song from that soundtrack, and with the lyrics swirling in my mind, I thought about how applicable the title is to parenting.

Letting go is the hardest thing we learn to do as parents, but we often let go of the wrong things. Here’s what we should let go of when child rearing.

Image courtesy of thawats/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let go of our expectations. This encompasses our expectations for our family, for our children, for our future. When we stop worrying about what we’re not and focus on who we are instead, we will have a richer, more full life together.

Let go of our fears. We all have things we’re afraid will happen to our children, whether it’s failing a grade or doing drugs. The vast majority of things we’re fearful of are out of our control—and we would parent better if we loosen our grip on those things and leave the fears in God’s capable hands.

Let go of our desires. We desire so many things for our children—a good life, a wonderful future. But just like with fears, our desires can take over and color every aspect of our parenting until we push and pull too much in our children’s lives.

You can probably fill in a few things of your own that you should jettison. By letting go of those things, we can hold fast to what really matters. Here’s what we should hold onto.

Hold onto family values. This is a phrase that has gotten a lot of bad press in the political arena, but one of the greatest joys of child rearing is giving the next generation the family values of the present and past ones. Teaching our children family values is more important than them mastering soccer or ballet. Make sure you take the time to show through words and actions the value of the family and what you believe.

Hold onto our commonsense. So many times, we ignore our commonsense and make things more complicated. Keep your commonsense, especially as it relates to parenting, and you’ll

Hold onto marriage first. By putting your relationship with your spouse before your children, you will help them to properly orient themselves to the family and the world at large. Focusing on your marriage also helps you to keep the light of your love alive during the challenging and joyful days of child rearing.

Developing the delicate balancing act of letting go on some things and holding on tight to others might seem overly ambitious, but with care, we can become the parents God has called us to be.

High Fives and Fist Bumps March 2014

How do many of today’s parents react to praise-worthy deeds in their offspring? With high fives and fist bumps, of course. After all, that’s how kids honor each other’s achievements. What parent doesn’t want to share in the joy of a job well done with a little hand slapping or knuckle brushing?

I don’t, and neither should you. Wait, hear me out before you drown me in a sea of protests. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t celebrate with their children. We give hugs, pats on the back, a smile and “Well done” to our children, but no high fives or fist bumps between parents and children.

But why? Why shouldn’t we slap some skin with our kids? For one very simple reason: high fives and fist bumps are salutary exchanges given between peers. The very beginning of these exclamations of solidarity took place between those on equal footing with each other—in other words, peers. High schoolers slap high fives in the hallways, football players chest bump after a good play, chess players fist bump after a winning combination of moves. What do these situations have in common? That’s right, they are all between peers and have a familiarity that doesn’t not, should not, exist between parent and child.

Image courtesy of Ned White/ThinkStock.com

Parent/child high-fiving or fist bumping are the physical equivalent of a kid using a grownup’s first name. Children need to be taught the proper form of addressing adults with formal titles like Mr., Miss, Mrs., Sir, and Ma’am. Kids should learn to shake an adult’s hand politely, not slap it so hard it stings.

High fiving and fist bumping between child and adult are symptomatic of an adult’s need to be accepted or approved by the child. In short, to be cool or popular. Do Mom and Dad need to be labeled “cool” by their children? No, because instead parents have a more important job: to be the clearly defined leader in the home.

Do CEOs fist bump their secretaries after a particular good job performance? I hardly think so. Do you see professional coaches high fiving players after a winning touchdown or score? What these coaches and CEOs realize is that to be an effective leader, one can’t be a peer nor do things that only peers do, such as fist bumping and high fiving one another. Effective leaders know that means they will miss out on some of the camaraderie that takes place among peers, but that’s a small price to pay for being that effective leader.

Leave the fist bumping and high fiving to your children. You’ll find that there will be less confusion as to your leadership role in the process—and you’ll find different ways to express your joy in their achievement.

About Sarah Hamaker

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She is available for one-on-one coaching via email or Popexpert (video conferencing), as well as in person. Sarah also can speak to groups on a variety of parenting topics. Her book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Kids From War to Peace, will be published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City in October 2014.