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By Mary Elizabeth
Piretti
It’s Christmas time! We all have memories of our
celebrations growing up, and as parents, we try in some way to create holiday
memories for our own children. There are so many opportunities and experiences
for families, how do you decide which will settle into the hearts of your
children and last a lifetime? Things can get out of hand quickly, and while not
all of the “over the top” Christmas traditions are bad, they aren’t all
necessary for the magic of Christmas. When you are able to keep traditions
simple but meaningful, they will not only provide your family with special
holiday memories, but they will also allow you to maintain your sanity in this
wonderful but potentially hectic time of year.
One of our favorite things to do is get coffee, then drive
around and look at Christmas lights. This is one of the simplest memories, but
the family time together in the car seeing what others have done to decorate is
such a special time. We don’t drive hours out of our way to seek out the
biggest light show; we just pick neighborhoods near us, drive through them, and
see what we can find. One of the reasons this is so exciting is because you
never know what you’ll stumble upon, and every year is different. We have some
favorites that we return to every year, and the anticipation of the giant
lighted candy cane down the street is met with great excitement. It is a
special night every year, and one I know I look forward to, and as my kids get
older, I hope they will, too!
Another popular tradition is “Elf on the Shelf” or “Magic
Elves.” While we don’t do this in our family yet, mostly because my son is too
young, I’m not sure if we ever will. Hear me out on this, as I know some of you
have elves and are very tied to the sense of magic they bring. Elves in your
house “watching” for Santa and mysteriously moving around at night aren’t in
and of themselves a bad thing, but why do we as parents sometimes go out of our
way to create a mess just for us to clean up ourselves later? When elves spill
cereal at night, or squish toothpaste all over the bathroom counter, there is
no doubt that kids will laugh. There is also no doubt that you, the parent who
actually made the mess, will be scrubbing up whatever mess the elf left behind.
Why not make it easier on yourself? The magic of elves, if you choose to have
them, can be kept simpler by a child just searching each morning for his elf in
a new and creative place. If you already have elves who make messes and you
want out of this tradition, you can fix it easily by doing something along the
lines of a letter from Santa explaining that his elf will no longer be tearing
your house apart, but will still be floating around as his watchman.
In all of the traditions of Christmas and the holiday
season, keep in mind that you are the parent. What works for one family may not
work for yours, and that’s okay. If you choose not to drive out of your way for
a larger Christmas light show or to keep elves off your shelves, the most
important thing is that YOU have made the decision. Memories of special holiday
traditions are wonderful and meaningful but they don’t have to add stress to
your family and cause you to feel out of control. Bake cookies with your kids,
watch Christmas movies, drink hot chocolate in front of the fire—but only if
this is fun for you and your family. This time as a family is what will last
with them and will be what they carry over to their own families one day--not
the Lucky Charms all over the kitchen floor.
By Sarah Hamaker
This time of year, our thoughts should be turning to
counting our blessings, but the relentless push by retailers to get us thinking
about Christmas shopping often intrudes. This year, let’s resolve to reflect
more on the intangibles of the season instead of the presents, the gifts we
have of family, friends, and—for most of us—plenty. Let’s ignore the greediness
of more stuff and focus instead on the thankfulness of contentment. Let’s find
joy in the small gestures instead of the grandness of towering gift piles.
As parents, we need to help our children navigate this
season with love and thankful hearts, no matter what our circumstances. We
might have plenty or we might face want. We might have lots of family or we
might have a small circle of friends. We might have employment or we might be
making do with seasonal jobs.
Wherever we find ourselves, we can show our kids that
happiness doesn’t begin with stuff and money, but from the heart. Here are some
ways we can help them to develop a true thankfulness that will resonate long
after the tinsel falls from the tree.
The joy of a smile.
How often do you look at the faces of people rushing about this holiday season
and see only worry lines or stress? Teaching our children to simply smile, to
make sure our faces reflect what’s in our hearts, is a small way to make a big
difference.
The small courtesies.
Don’t overlook the power of “please” and “thank you” to soothe the ruffled
feathers of clerks, cashiers and others in retail settings. Remember to be kind
to everyone you encounter and you might just be the one person who makes their
day a little easier.
The less fortunate.
No matter where you are in life, giving to others can be a blessing to you—and
to them. If you are low on funds, volunteer to help with a food drive or
delivery, or work at a local pantry or soup kitchen. If you have some extra
cash, sponsor a family for the holiday season or “adopt” a child through Angel
Tree. There are many ways you and your family can be involved in helping those
in your community who need a little Christmas spirit.
The neighbors.
Don’t forget to share the season with your neighborhood. Having a nice light
display can cheer someone’s heart. Giving small baskets of homemade cookies to
your neighbors can go a long way to creating warm relationships.
The family.
Sometimes, we get so busy with everyone else, we forget our families. Set aside
some time to do things together. Visiting a light display at a local park,
eating popcorn while watching a favorite Christmas movie, or decorating the
tree together can build special memories that will outlast gifts.
However you choose to spend this season, keep in mind that
what you do in the days leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas says as
much—if not more—about your thoughts on those holidays as what you do on the
actual days. Make it a point to do what you can to spread thankfulness and true
holiday cheer in these weeks. You might just find you have created a new
holiday tradition, one your family will return to again and again.
By Mary Elizabeth
Piretti
As the school year continues to unfold, learning is a hot
topic! Last month, we talked about homework and school-issues for older
children, and this month we’ll talk about our littler people, the
early-learners.
The toddler and preschool years are full of wonder and new
experiences. Children this age are complete sponges for information and
learning. With everything being new and exciting, it’s hard to know what
they’re taking in and how to make sure we capitalize on their eagerness. Sometimes
it seems as though they are bursting with knowledge and information, and at
other times it can feel like you’re running against a brick wall. This is
normal! Here are some tips for getting the most out of these years of learning
excitement.
It is normal for toddlers and preschoolers to go in and out
of learning phases. Developmentally, they vacillate between physical and
cognitive growth, usually conquering one milestone at a time. For instance, a
one-year-old may spend a few weeks mastering learning to walk, while vocabulary
growth takes a backseat for a while. When walking is mastered, vocabulary may
rapidly expand, until it’s time to work on running, climbing, etc.
When you notice your child flourishing in one area of
expansion or another, encourage them in the task they are working on but also
continue to expose them to the “back-seat” tasks as well. One example would be
to take your toddler outside for walks and discuss the trees and leaves as you
amble along. This encourages him in his walking milestone but continues to
stimulate his vocabulary as well.
As your child moves into his second year, gross motor tasks
are being mastered and fine motor skills are ready to come into play. A
two-year-old is a great block stacker and becomes ready to start learning to
manipulate smaller items, like paper and crayons. Letting them explore the art
of coloring, ripping paper, and even pasting can provide opportunities for them
to learn to control their muscles and are the building blocks for things like tracing,
cutting and writing.
Start with small expectations, such as covering a large area
with paper and let them scribble with crayons. As they get older, you can
provide simple projects like giving them pieces of colorful paper and allowing
them to glue them to a drawn shape. Glue sticks are great for projects like
this and are not nearly as messy as liquid glue. Learning to rip may seem like
a strange task, but in actuality figuring out how to rip paper front to back
instead of pulling outward is an important skill for little fingers and will
help them greatly as they learn to first cut ragged strips and eventually lines
and shapes.
Try not to get discouraged if your child seems to hit a
speed-bump in a skill you’re working on, and remember that they are little
sponges, soaking in everything. Capitalize on teachable moments as they come
and continue to provide opportunities for learning even though sometimes they
may not seem interested. This is a time when learning is fun and should be
encouraged to be exciting and interesting for them, not full of pressure. The
whole world is still so new to them, let them enjoy it and experience it!
By Sarah Hamaker
The start of a school year is similar to the start of a new
year. New teachers, new classrooms, sometimes new schools all make September a
month of learning new things. With fresh academic year ahead for your children,
I propose that parents adopt the following New School Year Resolutions. These
resolutions will help smooth the way to a successful school year for your
students.
Resolution 1. I will
not complain about my children’s teachers. It’s actually kind of sad that
we have to say this, but for some parents, complaining about who their precious
child got for a teacher has become a fall sport. It used to be that teachers
were held up with respect by every parent, no matter how good a “fit” the
teacher’s personality and teaching style was with the child.
The fact is, nearly every teacher works hard to provide the
best education they can for our children. The very least we can do is speak
well, not ill, of our children’s teachers. This means in public and in private,
we will not disparage teachers, especially in front of our children or within
earshot. By supporting our teachers in this way, we show our children how to
respect their teachers.
Resolution 2. I will
take the teacher’s word over my child’s. Whatever happened to giving the
teacher the benefit of the doubt? Fifty or sixty years ago, if a teacher told a
parent her child had misbehaved, the parent would believe the teacher over any
protestations from the child, knowing that a child is an unreliable witness to
situations in which he has a stake.
Nowadays, many teachers are fearful of telling parents about
any infractions because so many parents automatically—and vehemently—take their
child’s side even before they know the
facts of the situation. This year, resolve to make it clear that you will
not tolerate misbehavior in the classroom. Also inform your students that it’s
their responsibility—and only theirs—to get along with their teachers, no
matter how “difficult” those teachers may appear to be.
Resolution 3.
Homework is the sole responsibility of my child. Who’s response for
homework, the parent or the child? In many households, it’s the parents—and the
schools are not much help in this regard, what with all the planners and
instructions for homework that come home to the attention of the parents. But
the only person who should have responsibility for homework is the student. So
back off and let the chips fall where they may.
If your child doesn’t complete or turn in homework, make it
clear to the teacher that you expect your child to get the grades her work
deserves. If the teacher gives a poor grade on uncompleted homework, then your
child will suffer the consequences. If the teacher makes your child sit out
recess to finish her homework in class, then your child will suffer the consequences.
The only responsibility you have as a parent in regard to homework is to make
sure your child has a place to do it. That’s it. Other than that, leave the
homework to the child. After all, as I tell my kids, I have already passed
elementary school and don’t need to repeat it.
Resolution 4: I will
not bring to school what my child has forgotten at home. Whether it’s homework,
musical instruments or lunches, if your child left it at home, home it stays.
As with completing homework, it is the child’s responsibility to make sure he
leaves for school with all the things he needs that day. The parent who takes
that responsibility on herself by bringing a left-behind item to school is not
helping her child learn that responsibility. It’s better to have a child figure
out how not to forget things early in life than later in life. Less stress on
the parent, too.
As your children settle into life back to school, resolve to
take these resolutions to heart. With practice, your students will develop
their own routines for handling school assignments and will figure out how to
get along with their teachers. After all, school is but a preview of life, and
the more responsibility we give our children, the more opportunities they have
to shine and grow.
By Mary Elizabeth Piretti
We round out our summer “Expectations” series with the teen years. Just as the early preschool years can be filled with tempers and tantrums, the teen years can be, too. But take heart—they don’t have to be!
Teenagers are trying to bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood. We as parents help them gain their independence by doing the opposite of what feels right to do by stopping micromanagement of their lives and letting them make their own decisions, within boundaries of course.
Teens become more and more dependent on their peer group for influence and less and less attached to their parents. This is a good thing and should be encouraged. If their friends have blue hair or tattoos but aren’t involved in harmful activities, take a deep breath and accept the blue hair and inked skin. Resist the urge to manage their friendships. Unless you see serious red-flags in a person or group of people, let your teen pick his friends. They will need to do this in the adult world, and learning to do it with you having an ear to their activities is a good start.
Teens also need to be taking more responsibility with their school work and household chores. You don’t need to let your teen completely fail in grades or responsibilities but some natural consequences are good for them to experience. For example, if your teen is struggling in school, don’t check in with the teacher every week. Do establish a “contract” report that your teen has to have teachers sign is a good option. That leaves the responsibility for getting the work done and having their teachers approve it in the teen’s court, and lets her face the consequences of her own actions if she fails to meet the requirements.
Many parents today think that managing every minute of their child and teen’s lives will help them succeed. The parents make sure their children are involved in the right sports, spend lots of time in conferences with teachers to make sure they are making good grades, and organize them into activities with kids with which they want them to be friends. These intentions are good, very good indeed, but in the end can be harmful to your child’s successful emancipation and independence. You can’t be with your child every day in college, or come to their workplace every day, or choose their spouse. Teens especially need to be guided in their decisions but not controlled, so that when real-life comes at them, they will be able to critically think through decisions and make the right choices.
However, please don’t think you need to leave your teen completely alone and let them deal with life as it comes. They still need your support, love, and guidance now as much as ever. Leading them successfully into adulthood is your role as their parent. When and if they fail (most likely when), drop the hammer. Don’t be afraid to lay down real and strict consequences to help them understand that wrong actions are not okay. You shouldn’t hesitate to put them on full restriction when needed, taking away all privileges for an amount of time. By leading them to think critically and make choices that will further them as responsible adults, you will help guide them into adulthood and set them up for a bright future.
New issues of the newsletter are emailed around the 15th of each month. Written by Sarah Hamaker, owner of Parent Coach NoVa, and Mary Elizabeth Piretti, owner of Northern Virginia Traditional Parenting, Practical Parenting addresses child-rearing issues, and provides real solutions and encouragement to parents.Both Sarah and Mary Elizabeth are certified Leadership Parenting Coaches™ through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute.
By Sarah Hamaker
The elementary school years (ages 5 to 12) can be some of the best parenting years.
Children this age are eager to please, eager to learn and eager to be helpful.
Parents have a golden opportunity to disciple their children during these
years, as parental influence is at its height.
Here are a few tips to help you make the most of this
child-rearing season.
Establish clear
expectations for behavior. Don’t leave room for misinterpretation in your
instructions because kids are masters of taking advantage of any “wiggle room”
they find.
Assign plenty of
chores. Children should do chores every day to contribute to the family and
the household. Generally, kids want to help do “grown-up” things, like cooking.
Don’t miss the opportunity to properly train them in how to do chores—they are
more capable than we often realize. [See the April 2013 issue of Practical Parenting for more on chores
and children.]
Impart your values.
Kids love to know why their family does things the way they do. This is the
best time for parents to share with their children family traditions, stories,
religious beliefs and thoughts on sex, drugs, politics, culture, etc. As a
parent, you should develop an open dialogue with your children on these and
other relevant topics in an age-appropriate way, of course.
Be consistent with
discipline. Children will still be kids and that means they will misbehave
and need to experience consequences. It’s worth it to put in the time to be
consistent with your discipline—it will pave the way for a smoother transition
to the teen years if your kids know you mean what you say, and you say what you
mean.
Keep your humor
intact. Parents should approach these years with a smile, as kids in this
age group find many things hilarious—and you will, too, if you stop to join in
their silliness.
Stop trying to figure
out your kids. This is also the age when kids do things just because, so
you can save yourself a lot of head-scratching if you don’t try to figure out
the whys of behavior (both good and
bad) and focus instead on dealing with the what.
Allow time for fun.
Don’t over-schedule your children with sports, play dates, after school
activities and other time-fillers. Kids will only want to sit in the dusk and
watch the fireflies for a certain magical time, and the elementary school years
are that time. Give them plenty of fresh air, sunshine and freedom to structure
their own games and play fueled by imagination.
By Mary Elizabeth
Piretti
It’s summertime! During the long hot months this summer,
we’ll talk about three different age groups of children: preschoolers,
school-aged children and teenagers. Each month, we’ll highlight some different
expectations parents should have for the groupings.
This month, we’re focusing on preschoolers, the wild and
precious age of childhood. Preschool-aged children are like sponges of
knowledge, constantly taking in the world around them, assessing and learning
in almost every situation. They also transition from babies to children, an
often raucous move. Mood swings, temper tantrums and extreme energy are the
norms for 3- to 5-year-olds. But does it have to be that way?
Before they turn 2, babies demand to be the center of their
parents’ worlds, and rightfully so. They rely on adults to keep them fed,
clothed and protected. As they get older and more mature, they voice their
needs and wants, and become more independent and self-sufficient. They also
learn that they aren’t the center of the universe—they don’t always like it. To
be fair, I probably wouldn’t either!
As your child goes through this transition, you as a parent
should have boundaries and expectations to let your child know that you are in
charge and that he or she is only a little fish in a big sea. This is okay and
necessary in order to raise individuals who care about the world and people
around them.
Take temper tantrums for instance. Preschoolers need to know
that they can’t throw tantrums wherever and whenever they feel like it. They
need to know that when this happens, they will be promptly placed in a room
where they can have their fit all alone. If parents give in to tantrums, they
will only continue and get worse! It’s much easier to stop them when the child
in question is under 5 than it will be when the child is age 7.
Preschoolers also can be given responsibilities and chances
for independence. Let them pick out their own clothes most of the time. Teach
them how to get themselves dressed. They are capable of brushing their hair and
teeth, doing chores like making their beds or taking out the trash, and playing
independently. Doing this teaches them important skills and enforces a routine
of personal care helps them take responsibility for themselves. It will help
them gain a sense of stability to know that they can do things on their own,
and will help to keep them more “leveled.”
The preschool years don’t have to be filled with emotions
and time-outs. Being given boundaries, responsibilities and skills builds
independence and helps children transition to older childhood. It also reminds
them that they aren’t the center of the world. Having this skill-set will help
them function in elementary school and beyond. And will make your days with
them a lot more peaceful and enjoyable!
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