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By Sarah Hamaker
Are you a “softie” or a “meanie” when it comes to parenting?
Too many parents, fearing to be labeled “mean” by their children, have chosen
to be “soft” when it comes to many child-rearing decisions. But being a “mean”
parent has many more advantages than being a “soft” parent, as this true story
illustrates.
We’ve never been much of a technology family, nor do we have
plans to become one. Neither my husband or I have a smartphone, and we truly
are happy without one. However, I recently decided to purchase a tablet in
order to be more mobile in my parent coach business and when I announced at
dinner that I had ordered the device, all four kids began a chorus of “I want
one,” and “Can we use it?”
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Image courtesy of Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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To which I said promptly and without guilt, “No.” I had no
problem telling the disappointed children that the tablet would be for me and me
alone. There would be no games for kids, no movies downloaded for their
entertainment. Then my oldest (11 years old) chimed in that most of her friends
had smartphones, and we had the following conversation:
Me: “You’re not
going to have one and feel free to blame your mean mom as the reason.”
Naomi: “Oh, I do
say you won’t get one for me. Then Suzie told me to keep asking repeatedly,
that might wear you down and you’ll get me one.”
Me, trying not to
smile too broadly: “What did you say to that?”
Naomi, with a
long-suffering sigh of resignation: “I told her that wouldn’t work with you
and I’d probably end up in my room if I whined too much.”
Me: “I’m glad we
understand each other so well.”
Now, a “soft” parent would have hemmed and hawed, and
worried about how her daughter portrayed the parent to her friends. A “soft”
parent would have focused on the fact that the child was experiencing some
discomfort because she didn’t have what many of her peers had. A “soft” parent
would have wanted to remedy the situation, even though it might violate the
family’s technology rules or not be in their budget. In short, a “soft” parent
cares more about her child’s comfort or distress than about doing what’s right for
the child and family in the long run.
In contrast, a “mean” parent knows that a child will want
things that aren’t good for her, aren’t feasible for the family, or don’t fit
in with the family’s overall philosophy. A “mean” parent knows that her child
will more often than not disagree with many of the parenting decisions made. A “mean”
parent has no problem saying no when necessary, sticking to her guns or riding
out the wave of discomfort or distress her stance produces in the child. In
short, a “mean” parent says what she means and means what she says, thus
eliminating the need for most of the whining, bickering and pleading children
employ to get what they want.
I challenge you to become a “mean” parent—and see what a
marked difference that will make in your parenting and your children.
By Mary Elizabeth Piretti
With some major changes including a major move and a new baby
about to hit our family, this will be my last newsletter for the foreseeable
future. When pondering what to write about as my farewell, it hit me that I’ve
been imparting learned wisdom to other parents while at the same time learning
what it really means to be a parent. I have an almost 2-year-old boy who is
wonderful in so many unexplainable ways, including the fact that he has shaken
and rebuilt (and will continue to do so I’m sure!) everything I thought I knew
about parenting. I’ve learned a lot in the past 22 months, and I’m sure I’ll
continue to learn every day for the rest of my parenting life.
I came into parenting with a plan. A plan that included a happily
sleeping baby, who when he wasn’t sleeping, would play happily on his own and
let me go about my business, with plenty of breaks to snuggle him of course!
What I got was a non-sleeping baby who was generally happy and content, but who
demanded snuggles way more than I was prepared to stop and give them. He taught
me to slow down. I had to set aside my agenda and love him when he needed it,
and I found that if I gave him what he needed when he needed it, he was then
content to let us all go about our day. Through some growing up and a little
training, he now plays by himself happily for long periods of time and sleeps
like a champ. He also knows that he’s secure in our family and loved
unconditionally--I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
He has also taught me that not all formulas bring about the
desired outcome. At this point, he knows that we are in charge as his parents.
But he also knows that he is his own person and he will fight to make sure I
know that, too. Being a toddler, he is unpredictable and emotional. He goes
from being smiley and happy to laying on the floor screaming in about two
seconds, and all I can do is be consistent in how I react to his demands. I’m
confident that the consistency will pay off, but it’s a constant battle some
days. My plan coming into parenting was that one good strong lesson would do
the trick, and my little guy has taught me otherwise. It’s a marathon, Mom.
As we grow and learn together and as our family changes shape, I
know the principles of Love and Leadership will be ones to which I’ll stick. I
know that if I put my all into it, then I’ve done the best I can to raise my
children to be accomplished adults and responsible citizens. But I’ve learned
that sometimes even the best-laid plans can fail, and that I’m not always in
control. And I’ve learned to be okay with that and to love my child through it
according to his needs at that moment. If you take anything from me, take that
you can and are a great parent, and that if you Love and Lead your kids as they
grow, you will be doing your part to raise them up into successful adulthood,
and hopefully one day they and the world will thank you for it.
Mary Elizabeth is a
Certified Coach in the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute and really
enjoys working with families on making their homes run more smoothly and
peacefully. She has a true love for children and believes that the happiest
children are those with well-defined boundaries. Mary Elizabeth is available to
work with you and your family on creating and enforcing boundaries while
fostering a home full of love and laughter. Visit her website at
novatraditionalparenting.w
How do many of today’s parents react to praise-worthy deeds
in their offspring? With high fives and fist bumps, of course. After all,
that’s how kids honor each other’s achievements. What parent doesn’t want to
share in the joy of a job well done with a little hand slapping or knuckle
brushing?
I don’t, and neither should you. Wait, hear me out before
you drown me in a sea of protests. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t celebrate
with their children. We give hugs, pats on the back, a smile and “Well done” to
our children, but no high fives or fist bumps between parents and children.
But why? Why shouldn’t we slap some skin with our kids? For
one very simple reason: high fives and fist bumps are salutary exchanges given
between peers. The very beginning of these exclamations of solidarity took
place between those on equal footing with each other—in other words, peers.
High schoolers slap high fives in the hallways, football players chest bump
after a good play, chess players fist bump after a winning combination of
moves. What do these situations have in common? That’s right, they are all
between peers and have a familiarity that doesn’t not, should not, exist
between parent and child.
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| Image courtesy of Ned White/ThinkStock.com |
Parent/child high-fiving or fist bumping are the physical
equivalent of a kid using a grownup’s first name. Children need to be taught
the proper form of addressing adults with formal titles like Mr., Miss, Mrs.,
Sir, and Ma’am. Kids should learn to shake an adult’s hand politely, not slap
it so hard it stings.
High fiving and fist bumping between child and adult are
symptomatic of an adult’s need to be accepted or approved by the child. In
short, to be cool or popular. Do Mom and Dad need to be labeled “cool” by their
children? No, because instead parents have a more important job: to be the
clearly defined leader in the home.
Do CEOs fist bump their secretaries after a particular good
job performance? I hardly think so. Do you see professional coaches high fiving
players after a winning touchdown or score? What these coaches and CEOs realize
is that to be an effective leader, one can’t be a peer nor do things that only
peers do, such as fist bumping and high fiving one another. Effective leaders
know that means they will miss out on some of the camaraderie that takes place
among peers, but that’s a small price to pay for being that effective leader.
Leave the fist bumping and high fiving to your children.
You’ll find that there will be less confusion as to your leadership role in the
process—and you’ll find different ways to express your joy in their
achievement.
About Sarah Hamaker
Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™
through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She is
available for one-on-one coaching via email or Popexpert (video conferencing),
as well as in person. Sarah also can speak to groups on a variety of parenting
topics. Her book, Ending Sibling Rivalry:
Moving Kids From War to Peace, will be published by Beacon Hill Press of
Kansas City in October 2014.
By Mary Elizabeth Piretti
Is love alone enough to raise successful kids? Can you love them
through toddlerhood, childhood and teenage years? While love tops the list of
important things you can give your child, leadership is right alongside it.
Children need to know that their parents love them and will consistently lead
them through life. Boundaries and leadership give children security and help
mold them into responsible and successful adults.
Being a leader does not mean barking orders at your children or
placing such high expectations on them that they cannot possibly maintain. It
does mean speaking to them in a way in which they know that you are in control,
that you are above them and in charge. For example, when instructing them to
clean up their toys, you shouldn’t say “Can you clean up your toys, please?”
Instead, you should say “It’s time to clean up your toys now.” Phrasing
commands correctly lets them know that they do not have a choice in the matter,
and that you are not their buddy simply hoping they will comply. When and if
they don’t follow your instructions, you can continue to lead them with
effective consequences.
Commanding your children can seem like a harsh way to speak to
them, but the beauty of parenting with love and leadership is that when you are
displaying leadership, they know how much you love them. They don’t hear your
words as harsh or mean, they see you as a parent who loves them and is in
charge. Boundaries give children a sense of security because they know that
their lives are not in their own hands and that they do not worry about what
they can and should be doing. They can live in freedom knowing that they are
loved and cared for, and that they will be instructed on what to do when the need
arises. They will fight back some of the time, but in the end they will thank
you for how much you care.
Loving first, then leading your children in a way that they know
you are in control of any given situation in an important factor in raising
successful adults. It provides security and gives them the confidence to grow
through their lives. You love your children, that part comes naturally.
Leadership takes practice and consistency for everyone involved but is an
incredibly important part of parenting.
About Mary Elizabeth
Pieritti
Mary Elizabeth is a Certified Coach in the John Rosemond
Leadership Parenting Institute and really enjoys working with families on
making their homes run more smoothly and peacefully. She has a true love for
children and believes that the happiest children are those with well-defined
boundaries. Mary Elizabeth is available to work with you and your family on
creating and enforcing boundaries while fostering a home full of love and
laughter. Visit her website at novatraditionalparenting.wordpress.com.
By Sarah Hamaker
What are your parenting goals for 2014? Do you want to stop
yelling at your children all the time? Do you want to stop parenting on the fly
and start parenting with purpose? Do you want to have a calmer home with
happier children?
All those things are possible, but, like with most New
Year’s Resolutions, it will take hard work on your part. The good news is that
once you master the basics, you will have built a solid foundation from which
to parent—and things will get easier. That’s not to say your children won’t
have bad days or that you won’t blow your top when the kids break your favorite
glass cat figurine. It does mean you will pick yourself up, brush yourself off,
and start all over again.
How do you become the parent you have always wanted to be?
You start by realizing that the child produces the child, not the parent. Yes,
you have a role, an important one, in raising your child. But ultimately, no
one is responsible for your child except for your child.
How does this help you become a better parent? By taking away
the guilt and the blame and the stress of trying to be the perfect parent. You
will fail, sometimes spectacularly, as a parent, but that doesn’t mean your
child will turn out badly. You will succeed, sometimes wonderfully, as a
parent, but that doesn’t mean your child will be a success in life.
By Mary Elizabeth
Piretti
It’s Christmas time! We all have memories of our
celebrations growing up, and as parents, we try in some way to create holiday
memories for our own children. There are so many opportunities and experiences
for families, how do you decide which will settle into the hearts of your
children and last a lifetime? Things can get out of hand quickly, and while not
all of the “over the top” Christmas traditions are bad, they aren’t all
necessary for the magic of Christmas. When you are able to keep traditions
simple but meaningful, they will not only provide your family with special
holiday memories, but they will also allow you to maintain your sanity in this
wonderful but potentially hectic time of year.
One of our favorite things to do is get coffee, then drive
around and look at Christmas lights. This is one of the simplest memories, but
the family time together in the car seeing what others have done to decorate is
such a special time. We don’t drive hours out of our way to seek out the
biggest light show; we just pick neighborhoods near us, drive through them, and
see what we can find. One of the reasons this is so exciting is because you
never know what you’ll stumble upon, and every year is different. We have some
favorites that we return to every year, and the anticipation of the giant
lighted candy cane down the street is met with great excitement. It is a
special night every year, and one I know I look forward to, and as my kids get
older, I hope they will, too!
Another popular tradition is “Elf on the Shelf” or “Magic
Elves.” While we don’t do this in our family yet, mostly because my son is too
young, I’m not sure if we ever will. Hear me out on this, as I know some of you
have elves and are very tied to the sense of magic they bring. Elves in your
house “watching” for Santa and mysteriously moving around at night aren’t in
and of themselves a bad thing, but why do we as parents sometimes go out of our
way to create a mess just for us to clean up ourselves later? When elves spill
cereal at night, or squish toothpaste all over the bathroom counter, there is
no doubt that kids will laugh. There is also no doubt that you, the parent who
actually made the mess, will be scrubbing up whatever mess the elf left behind.
Why not make it easier on yourself? The magic of elves, if you choose to have
them, can be kept simpler by a child just searching each morning for his elf in
a new and creative place. If you already have elves who make messes and you
want out of this tradition, you can fix it easily by doing something along the
lines of a letter from Santa explaining that his elf will no longer be tearing
your house apart, but will still be floating around as his watchman.
In all of the traditions of Christmas and the holiday
season, keep in mind that you are the parent. What works for one family may not
work for yours, and that’s okay. If you choose not to drive out of your way for
a larger Christmas light show or to keep elves off your shelves, the most
important thing is that YOU have made the decision. Memories of special holiday
traditions are wonderful and meaningful but they don’t have to add stress to
your family and cause you to feel out of control. Bake cookies with your kids,
watch Christmas movies, drink hot chocolate in front of the fire—but only if
this is fun for you and your family. This time as a family is what will last
with them and will be what they carry over to their own families one day--not
the Lucky Charms all over the kitchen floor.
By Sarah Hamaker
This time of year, our thoughts should be turning to
counting our blessings, but the relentless push by retailers to get us thinking
about Christmas shopping often intrudes. This year, let’s resolve to reflect
more on the intangibles of the season instead of the presents, the gifts we
have of family, friends, and—for most of us—plenty. Let’s ignore the greediness
of more stuff and focus instead on the thankfulness of contentment. Let’s find
joy in the small gestures instead of the grandness of towering gift piles.
As parents, we need to help our children navigate this
season with love and thankful hearts, no matter what our circumstances. We
might have plenty or we might face want. We might have lots of family or we
might have a small circle of friends. We might have employment or we might be
making do with seasonal jobs.
Wherever we find ourselves, we can show our kids that
happiness doesn’t begin with stuff and money, but from the heart. Here are some
ways we can help them to develop a true thankfulness that will resonate long
after the tinsel falls from the tree.
The joy of a smile.
How often do you look at the faces of people rushing about this holiday season
and see only worry lines or stress? Teaching our children to simply smile, to
make sure our faces reflect what’s in our hearts, is a small way to make a big
difference.
The small courtesies.
Don’t overlook the power of “please” and “thank you” to soothe the ruffled
feathers of clerks, cashiers and others in retail settings. Remember to be kind
to everyone you encounter and you might just be the one person who makes their
day a little easier.
The less fortunate.
No matter where you are in life, giving to others can be a blessing to you—and
to them. If you are low on funds, volunteer to help with a food drive or
delivery, or work at a local pantry or soup kitchen. If you have some extra
cash, sponsor a family for the holiday season or “adopt” a child through Angel
Tree. There are many ways you and your family can be involved in helping those
in your community who need a little Christmas spirit.
The neighbors.
Don’t forget to share the season with your neighborhood. Having a nice light
display can cheer someone’s heart. Giving small baskets of homemade cookies to
your neighbors can go a long way to creating warm relationships.
The family.
Sometimes, we get so busy with everyone else, we forget our families. Set aside
some time to do things together. Visiting a light display at a local park,
eating popcorn while watching a favorite Christmas movie, or decorating the
tree together can build special memories that will outlast gifts.
However you choose to spend this season, keep in mind that
what you do in the days leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas says as
much—if not more—about your thoughts on those holidays as what you do on the
actual days. Make it a point to do what you can to spread thankfulness and true
holiday cheer in these weeks. You might just find you have created a new
holiday tradition, one your family will return to again and again.
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