Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 3

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 8: Children will learn to resolve conflict on their own. While we don’t have to teach our kids to fight, we do have to teach them how to resolve fights in a way that helps, not hinders, their relationship with each other. Here are a few things to keep in mind when teaching conflict resolution.

It starts with self control. The benefits of self-discipline, while timeless in nature, have fallen out of favor in today’s ultra-busy, ultra-competitive environment. In addition, the expectation of instant gratification has pushed the virtue of self-control to the back burner. Discipline of self isn’t on display in the public’s eye as it once was. Maintaining self control is an important component of conflict resolution. Exercising self control in the midst of extreme provocation is essential to resolving conflict in a way that’s fruitful for all parties involved.

Children need to develop a desire for peace. Part of teaching conflict resolution to our children is instilling in them a desire for a peaceful, calm environment. That’s why we need to give them the tools for conflict resolution—and then step back to let them figure out how to achieve peace. Intervening to have peace can be detrimental to children learning how to resolve conflict on their own—and to develop a desire for peace themselves.

We need to help them use words, not fists. In children, especially the younger ones, frustration often erupts into striking out at the source. When that’s a sibling, tears or retaliation usually follows. It’s a rare family that doesn’t occasionally encounter some hitting, shoving, pinching, slapping, or biting among their children. One of the most important tools in conflict resolution is learning how to use words and not physical force to get the upper hand in a situation.

We need to help them cool down first. In the heat of battle, tempers flare, words fly, and feelings spill over into one huge mess. Many times, the initial step toward successful conflict resolution is time to calm down. (There are no right or wrong ways to accomplish this, as it depends on your children’s ages and temperaments, along with the size of your home.

We need to give them the right tools for arguments. Arguments can be constructive but more times than not, the way we disagree negates any positive outcome. If your house is anything like mine, your children get into some pretty heated arguments over some pretty silly—at least to our grownup sensibilities—things. Providing our kids with the skills to have discussions that are respectful and fruitful is one key to reducing sibling conflict. If each one has her say and feels the others listen and “get” her side, the outcome—no matter if it’s for or against—usually makes everyone happy—or at least able to move on from the disagreement.

We need to teach them how to apologize—and receive an apology. Apologizing is one of the key components to conflict resolution—and one of the easiest ways to reinstate hostilities if perceived to be insincere. There’s more to apologizing than saying, “I’m sorry,” and we are sadly neglecting our duty as parents if we only require or expect those two words from our children.

We need to know when to get involved. Parents often stumble when it comes to knowing when to get involved in the fights of their offspring. The simple answer is as little as possible! As I’ve told my kids, if there’s no blood, don’t get me involved.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 2

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 5: We need to give our children equal attention. We often fall into the trap of wanting to be so precisely fair with time spent with our kids that we overlook them as individuals. Some kids may require more parental attention because of age (infants and toddlers), health (sickness or chronic disease), or special needs (academic, mental, or physical). Most families experience giving one child more attention for a period of time for a variety of reasons that could be temporary or permanent.

Myth 6: Competition in the home is inevitable. Some parents further complicate the issue by insisting that competition in the home is good practice for kids because it can prepare them for living in a dog-eat-dog world. Others view competition as a way to get ahead in life, to become a “winner” instead of a “loser.” Again, what these views fail to consider is that pitting children against one another does little to build them up into responsible and respectful adults. While both views have a grain of truth, overall, our homes should strive to be less competitive and more cooperative, less focused on winning and more centered on respecting and loving each other.

Myth 7: Fairness should rule in everything. Parents have embraced the “fairness doctrine” as a way to ensure their children get along. After all, if we treat each one exactly the same, they will have less to bicker about, right? Wrong. Children will always find things to cry, “It’s not fair!” We need to realize that children have a warped sense of fairness as it relates specifically to them. They have a stake in the outcome of everything, which skews their view of situations. What they think is fair and impartial often isn’t in the true sense of the phrase. If we start trying to be fair in all that we do with and for our children, we will end up pleasing no one and paving the way for more sibling rivalry in the future.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 1

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 1: Children who fight as kids will grow up to hate each other. We’ve forgotten as adults that kids will fight more than we do—and make up faster, too. Children also don’t have a strong filter in place that stops them from lobbing the object (or verbal word) that sparks a fight.

The good news is that I’ve spoken to many parents who fought with their siblings as kids but grew up to be friends as adults. Just because your children bicker doesn’t mean they won’t like each other later in life. Keep in mind that proximity often contributes to the fight and when siblings don’t have to live with each other, they find they like each other much better.

What it does mean is that parents should ensure that the normal fighting between siblings—and it is normal for brothers and sisters to fight—doesn’t descend into rivalry, which has the potential to break the bonds and destroy fellowship. Some of those ways include banning name calling and physical contact in fights.

Myth 2: Getting along with siblings isn’t really that important. Why should parents care that their children are fighting? Because being pleasant and kind to one another has a more far-reaching significance than peace at that moment. Children who learn to resolve conflict within a family through interactions with brothers and sisters have an advantage when they encounter discord outside of the home.

Myth 3: Parents can’t avoid having favorites. The fact is, we all compare our kids sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t largely avoid favoritism in general. Be aware that we sometimes show bias toward one child over another. Acknowledge that we sometimes do for one and not the others. Avoid comparing one child with a sibling in all things; instead, focus on describing what you saw or what you mean about the child in question. Be careful not to over-praise one child over others—in fact, overall, praise should be used sparingly with children.

Myth 4: We need to love our kids exactly the same. No, you don’t. We need to recognize that we love our children for who they are, not just because they’re a child of ours. Our children, while sharing some of the same characteristics and features, are in fact individuals. You simply can’t lump all of your kids together. Consider what makes your child unique and yet connected to the family, and love them for that.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Let It Go

With two elementary-school age daughter in our house, we’ve heard the songs from Frozen more times than we can remember. “Let It Go” has been the most popular song from that soundtrack, and with the lyrics swirling in my mind, I thought about how applicable the title is to parenting.

Letting go is the hardest thing we learn to do as parents, but we often let go of the wrong things. Here’s what we should let go of when child rearing.

Image courtesy of thawats/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let go of our expectations. This encompasses our expectations for our family, for our children, for our future. When we stop worrying about what we’re not and focus on who we are instead, we will have a richer, more full life together.

Let go of our fears. We all have things we’re afraid will happen to our children, whether it’s failing a grade or doing drugs. The vast majority of things we’re fearful of are out of our control—and we would parent better if we loosen our grip on those things and leave the fears in God’s capable hands.

Let go of our desires. We desire so many things for our children—a good life, a wonderful future. But just like with fears, our desires can take over and color every aspect of our parenting until we push and pull too much in our children’s lives.

You can probably fill in a few things of your own that you should jettison. By letting go of those things, we can hold fast to what really matters. Here’s what we should hold onto.

Hold onto family values. This is a phrase that has gotten a lot of bad press in the political arena, but one of the greatest joys of child rearing is giving the next generation the family values of the present and past ones. Teaching our children family values is more important than them mastering soccer or ballet. Make sure you take the time to show through words and actions the value of the family and what you believe.

Hold onto our commonsense. So many times, we ignore our commonsense and make things more complicated. Keep your commonsense, especially as it relates to parenting, and you’ll

Hold onto marriage first. By putting your relationship with your spouse before your children, you will help them to properly orient themselves to the family and the world at large. Focusing on your marriage also helps you to keep the light of your love alive during the challenging and joyful days of child rearing.

Developing the delicate balancing act of letting go on some things and holding on tight to others might seem overly ambitious, but with care, we can become the parents God has called us to be.

Meanie or Softie?

By Sarah Hamaker

Are you a “softie” or a “meanie” when it comes to parenting? Too many parents, fearing to be labeled “mean” by their children, have chosen to be “soft” when it comes to many child-rearing decisions. But being a “mean” parent has many more advantages than being a “soft” parent, as this true story illustrates.

We’ve never been much of a technology family, nor do we have plans to become one. Neither my husband or I have a smartphone, and we truly are happy without one. However, I recently decided to purchase a tablet in order to be more mobile in my parent coach business and when I announced at dinner that I had ordered the device, all four kids began a chorus of “I want one,” and “Can we use it?”

Image courtesy of Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To which I said promptly and without guilt, “No.” I had no problem telling the disappointed children that the tablet would be for me and me alone. There would be no games for kids, no movies downloaded for their entertainment. Then my oldest (11 years old) chimed in that most of her friends had smartphones, and we had the following conversation:

Me: “You’re not going to have one and feel free to blame your mean mom as the reason.”

Naomi: “Oh, I do say you won’t get one for me. Then Suzie told me to keep asking repeatedly, that might wear you down and you’ll get me one.”

Me, trying not to smile too broadly: “What did you say to that?”

Naomi, with a long-suffering sigh of resignation: “I told her that wouldn’t work with you and I’d probably end up in my room if I whined too much.”

Me: “I’m glad we understand each other so well.”

Now, a “soft” parent would have hemmed and hawed, and worried about how her daughter portrayed the parent to her friends. A “soft” parent would have focused on the fact that the child was experiencing some discomfort because she didn’t have what many of her peers had. A “soft” parent would have wanted to remedy the situation, even though it might violate the family’s technology rules or not be in their budget. In short, a “soft” parent cares more about her child’s comfort or distress than about doing what’s right for the child and family in the long run.

In contrast, a “mean” parent knows that a child will want things that aren’t good for her, aren’t feasible for the family, or don’t fit in with the family’s overall philosophy. A “mean” parent knows that her child will more often than not disagree with many of the parenting decisions made. A “mean” parent has no problem saying no when necessary, sticking to her guns or riding out the wave of discomfort or distress her stance produces in the child. In short, a “mean” parent says what she means and means what she says, thus eliminating the need for most of the whining, bickering and pleading children employ to get what they want.

I challenge you to become a “mean” parent—and see what a marked difference that will make in your parenting and your children.

What I’ve Learned & A Fond Farewell April 2014

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

With some major changes including a major move and a new baby about to hit our family, this will be my last newsletter for the foreseeable future. When pondering what to write about as my farewell, it hit me that I’ve been imparting learned wisdom to other parents while at the same time learning what it really means to be a parent. I have an almost 2-year-old boy who is wonderful in so many unexplainable ways, including the fact that he has shaken and rebuilt (and will continue to do so I’m sure!) everything I thought I knew about parenting. I’ve learned a lot in the past 22 months, and I’m sure I’ll continue to learn every day for the rest of my parenting life.

I came into parenting with a plan. A plan that included a happily sleeping baby, who when he wasn’t sleeping, would play happily on his own and let me go about my business, with plenty of breaks to snuggle him of course! What I got was a non-sleeping baby who was generally happy and content, but who demanded snuggles way more than I was prepared to stop and give them. He taught me to slow down. I had to set aside my agenda and love him when he needed it, and I found that if I gave him what he needed when he needed it, he was then content to let us all go about our day. Through some growing up and a little training, he now plays by himself happily for long periods of time and sleeps like a champ. He also knows that he’s secure in our family and loved unconditionally--I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

He has also taught me that not all formulas bring about the desired outcome. At this point, he knows that we are in charge as his parents. But he also knows that he is his own person and he will fight to make sure I know that, too. Being a toddler, he is unpredictable and emotional. He goes from being smiley and happy to laying on the floor screaming in about two seconds, and all I can do is be consistent in how I react to his demands. I’m confident that the consistency will pay off, but it’s a constant battle some days. My plan coming into parenting was that one good strong lesson would do the trick, and my little guy has taught me otherwise. It’s a marathon, Mom.

As we grow and learn together and as our family changes shape, I know the principles of Love and Leadership will be ones to which I’ll stick. I know that if I put my all into it, then I’ve done the best I can to raise my children to be accomplished adults and responsible citizens. But I’ve learned that sometimes even the best-laid plans can fail, and that I’m not always in control. And I’ve learned to be okay with that and to love my child through it according to his needs at that moment. If you take anything from me, take that you can and are a great parent, and that if you Love and Lead your kids as they grow, you will be doing your part to raise them up into successful adulthood, and hopefully one day they and the world will thank you for it.

Mary Elizabeth is a Certified Coach in the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute and really enjoys working with families on making their homes run more smoothly and peacefully. She has a true love for children and believes that the happiest children are those with well-defined boundaries. Mary Elizabeth is available to work with you and your family on creating and enforcing boundaries while fostering a home full of love and laughter. Visit her website at novatraditionalparenting.w

High Fives and Fist Bumps March 2014

How do many of today’s parents react to praise-worthy deeds in their offspring? With high fives and fist bumps, of course. After all, that’s how kids honor each other’s achievements. What parent doesn’t want to share in the joy of a job well done with a little hand slapping or knuckle brushing?

I don’t, and neither should you. Wait, hear me out before you drown me in a sea of protests. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t celebrate with their children. We give hugs, pats on the back, a smile and “Well done” to our children, but no high fives or fist bumps between parents and children.

But why? Why shouldn’t we slap some skin with our kids? For one very simple reason: high fives and fist bumps are salutary exchanges given between peers. The very beginning of these exclamations of solidarity took place between those on equal footing with each other—in other words, peers. High schoolers slap high fives in the hallways, football players chest bump after a good play, chess players fist bump after a winning combination of moves. What do these situations have in common? That’s right, they are all between peers and have a familiarity that doesn’t not, should not, exist between parent and child.

Image courtesy of Ned White/ThinkStock.com

Parent/child high-fiving or fist bumping are the physical equivalent of a kid using a grownup’s first name. Children need to be taught the proper form of addressing adults with formal titles like Mr., Miss, Mrs., Sir, and Ma’am. Kids should learn to shake an adult’s hand politely, not slap it so hard it stings.

High fiving and fist bumping between child and adult are symptomatic of an adult’s need to be accepted or approved by the child. In short, to be cool or popular. Do Mom and Dad need to be labeled “cool” by their children? No, because instead parents have a more important job: to be the clearly defined leader in the home.

Do CEOs fist bump their secretaries after a particular good job performance? I hardly think so. Do you see professional coaches high fiving players after a winning touchdown or score? What these coaches and CEOs realize is that to be an effective leader, one can’t be a peer nor do things that only peers do, such as fist bumping and high fiving one another. Effective leaders know that means they will miss out on some of the camaraderie that takes place among peers, but that’s a small price to pay for being that effective leader.

Leave the fist bumping and high fiving to your children. You’ll find that there will be less confusion as to your leadership role in the process—and you’ll find different ways to express your joy in their achievement.

About Sarah Hamaker

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She is available for one-on-one coaching via email or Popexpert (video conferencing), as well as in person. Sarah also can speak to groups on a variety of parenting topics. Her book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Kids From War to Peace, will be published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City in October 2014.