By Sarah Hamaker
Are you a “softie” or a “meanie” when it comes to parenting?
Too many parents, fearing to be labeled “mean” by their children, have chosen
to be “soft” when it comes to many child-rearing decisions. But being a “mean”
parent has many more advantages than being a “soft” parent, as this true story
illustrates.
We’ve never been much of a technology family, nor do we have
plans to become one. Neither my husband or I have a smartphone, and we truly
are happy without one. However, I recently decided to purchase a tablet in
order to be more mobile in my parent coach business and when I announced at
dinner that I had ordered the device, all four kids began a chorus of “I want
one,” and “Can we use it?”
 |
Image courtesy of Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
|
To which I said promptly and without guilt, “No.” I had no
problem telling the disappointed children that the tablet would be for me and me
alone. There would be no games for kids, no movies downloaded for their
entertainment. Then my oldest (11 years old) chimed in that most of her friends
had smartphones, and we had the following conversation:
Me: “You’re not
going to have one and feel free to blame your mean mom as the reason.”
Naomi: “Oh, I do
say you won’t get one for me. Then Suzie told me to keep asking repeatedly,
that might wear you down and you’ll get me one.”
Me, trying not to
smile too broadly: “What did you say to that?”
Naomi, with a
long-suffering sigh of resignation: “I told her that wouldn’t work with you
and I’d probably end up in my room if I whined too much.”
Me: “I’m glad we
understand each other so well.”
Now, a “soft” parent would have hemmed and hawed, and
worried about how her daughter portrayed the parent to her friends. A “soft”
parent would have focused on the fact that the child was experiencing some
discomfort because she didn’t have what many of her peers had. A “soft” parent
would have wanted to remedy the situation, even though it might violate the
family’s technology rules or not be in their budget. In short, a “soft” parent
cares more about her child’s comfort or distress than about doing what’s right for
the child and family in the long run.
In contrast, a “mean” parent knows that a child will want
things that aren’t good for her, aren’t feasible for the family, or don’t fit
in with the family’s overall philosophy. A “mean” parent knows that her child
will more often than not disagree with many of the parenting decisions made. A “mean”
parent has no problem saying no when necessary, sticking to her guns or riding
out the wave of discomfort or distress her stance produces in the child. In
short, a “mean” parent says what she means and means what she says, thus
eliminating the need for most of the whining, bickering and pleading children
employ to get what they want.
I challenge you to become a “mean” parent—and see what a
marked difference that will make in your parenting and your children.
