Avoiding a Snow Day Scramble

When school is cancelled because of inclement weather, most parents breath a sigh of despair as visions of their planned day dissolve like melted snow on the doormat. But with a little bit of forethought, snow days don’t have to spell disaster for parents, especially those who might need to work from home.

1. Have a schedule. In the morning (or the night before, depending on when you know about the closing), jot down a loose itinerary for the day. Include things you have to get done but also insert some time for the kids. For example, if you know you have a 10 a.m. conference call, tell the kids you’ll be unavailable then, but that you can help them build a snowman after lunch. Help your kids plan their day too, including any homework assignments they might need to accomplish. After the structure of school, it can be soothing to have an agenda for the day.

2. Get together a “snow day emergency” bag of tricks. For unexpected days at home, it’s always a good idea to have on hand some new things for the kids to do, such as coloring or sticker books, puzzles, games and books. When the day is over, put these items back into the bag or bin in order to have them ready for the next day off.

3. Make a list of Things to Do When You’re Bored. When thrown off their usual schedule, some kids don’t know what to do with themselves. Having a list of indoor ideas that are a bit out of the ordinary can jumpstart their imaginations. Your list could include

• Build a fort out of blankets and chairs
• Go on a scavenger hunt around the house (a list could include hairpins, bandages, cotton balls, shoe laces, tea bags and a spool of thread)
• Have a tea party with dolls or stuffed animals
• Interact with your pet
• Organize your dolls or action figures
• Play construction site with your trucks
• Bake or cook something
• Reorganize your books into a library
• Write and perform a one-act play
• Plan your family’s summer vacation
• Memorize and recite a favorite poem
• Learn new magic tricks.

4. Separate the kids for quiet time. Whatever the age, a day of togetherness can wear on all siblings. Plan ahead by having an hour or two in the mid-afternoon for some separation. You could split them up by age, gender or personality, or send them to individual spaces around the house for some quiet reading or listening time. Some time apart for the children can help keep the house on an even keel.

5. Limit the electronics. Screen time of any sort can wind up, rather than calm down, a child. Letting the kids watch TV, stream movies or play video games for hours on end will do little to keep the harmony of the house. Set a limit but give them some choice. For example, on snow days, we let our children watch one movie, but we let them pick the flick and the time they want to watch it.

6. Remember your own childhood excitement about snow days. Sometimes, we forget how wonderful an unexpected snow day can be to a child. Recapture some of that magic by playing for a bit in the snow with your kids, making hot chocolate for them for afterwards, or spending time by the window looking at the snow fall. Watching their shiny, smiling faces enjoy the white tableau can bring back your own childhood memories of snowball fights, sledding and snowmen. Share some of those with your children and don’t forget to make new memories with them.

By following some of these tips, the next time it snows, you won’t be thrown for a loop. Instead, you’ll be able to greet the unexpected day home with calm confidence. 

A Holiday Survival Guide for Parents

Twas mid-December, and the pressure is building

As parents scramble to fill a list that is growing

The children are bouncing off of the walls

With visions of presents and huge popcorn balls.

And what do Mom and Dad wish the most

During this season of gifts and being a host?

To find some peace in the middle of the noise

And to recapture that feeling of Christmas joys.

If you find yourself at your wits’ end this time of year, here are some tips for surviving Christmas and New Year’s.

1. Know your children’s limits. Meltdowns generally happen when kids are tired, cranky and/or hungry. One way to help a child not have a temper tantrum is to ensure they are not constantly overtired and overwhelmed.

For example, if the kids are young, don’t skip too many naps or push bedtime back too often. If large crowds tend to over-stimulate them, such as at a party, find a quieter space for them to decompress during the evening. Just keeping an eye on the clock and leaving

2. Be prepared. Having the resources to help a child avoid a meltdown is just smart parenting. For example, when our children were toddlers, we would bring a snack with us when going to my in-laws for dinner because the meal would usually be served later than the children were used to eating. Making sure the children had a snack helped them not become overly cranky waiting for dinner.

Having an “entertainment” bag with favorite books, drawing pad/coloring book with colored pencils or crayons, small stuffed animals or plastic figurines or cars can be a great way to help a child find something to do at locations that aren’t as kid-friendly as your home.

3. Remember your own childhood excitement. Let’s face it—this time of year, we as adults sometimes get way too busy and stressed to really recall the magic of Christmas, the thrill of ringing in the New Year. That “amnesia” can make us short with our kids’ natural exuberance about presents and seeing family and Santa.

Think about how much you enjoyed about the holidays and keep that image and feeling in mind as you hear your children’s squeals of excitement, see them bouncing around the house, and generally become nearly overwrought with anticipation. Having that empathy will help keep our own Scroogeness in check.

4. Relax and enjoy the holidays. Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect—truly it doesn’t! Finding just the right gift, or baking the perfect cookies, or selecting the best tree on the lot shouldn’t be our aim this time of year. We should remember that Christmas is less about things and more about people.

But if we run around frantic to create the most perfect Christmas ever, we will inevitably lose out on the enjoyment to be found in the quieter moments. Don’t overlook the magic of family traditions, such as driving around in pajamas looking at Christmas lights. Those are the memories that your children will take with them into adulthood.

Use this guide to have your own very Merry Christmas!

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 3

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 8: Children will learn to resolve conflict on their own. While we don’t have to teach our kids to fight, we do have to teach them how to resolve fights in a way that helps, not hinders, their relationship with each other. Here are a few things to keep in mind when teaching conflict resolution.

It starts with self control. The benefits of self-discipline, while timeless in nature, have fallen out of favor in today’s ultra-busy, ultra-competitive environment. In addition, the expectation of instant gratification has pushed the virtue of self-control to the back burner. Discipline of self isn’t on display in the public’s eye as it once was. Maintaining self control is an important component of conflict resolution. Exercising self control in the midst of extreme provocation is essential to resolving conflict in a way that’s fruitful for all parties involved.

Children need to develop a desire for peace. Part of teaching conflict resolution to our children is instilling in them a desire for a peaceful, calm environment. That’s why we need to give them the tools for conflict resolution—and then step back to let them figure out how to achieve peace. Intervening to have peace can be detrimental to children learning how to resolve conflict on their own—and to develop a desire for peace themselves.

We need to help them use words, not fists. In children, especially the younger ones, frustration often erupts into striking out at the source. When that’s a sibling, tears or retaliation usually follows. It’s a rare family that doesn’t occasionally encounter some hitting, shoving, pinching, slapping, or biting among their children. One of the most important tools in conflict resolution is learning how to use words and not physical force to get the upper hand in a situation.

We need to help them cool down first. In the heat of battle, tempers flare, words fly, and feelings spill over into one huge mess. Many times, the initial step toward successful conflict resolution is time to calm down. (There are no right or wrong ways to accomplish this, as it depends on your children’s ages and temperaments, along with the size of your home.

We need to give them the right tools for arguments. Arguments can be constructive but more times than not, the way we disagree negates any positive outcome. If your house is anything like mine, your children get into some pretty heated arguments over some pretty silly—at least to our grownup sensibilities—things. Providing our kids with the skills to have discussions that are respectful and fruitful is one key to reducing sibling conflict. If each one has her say and feels the others listen and “get” her side, the outcome—no matter if it’s for or against—usually makes everyone happy—or at least able to move on from the disagreement.

We need to teach them how to apologize—and receive an apology. Apologizing is one of the key components to conflict resolution—and one of the easiest ways to reinstate hostilities if perceived to be insincere. There’s more to apologizing than saying, “I’m sorry,” and we are sadly neglecting our duty as parents if we only require or expect those two words from our children.

We need to know when to get involved. Parents often stumble when it comes to knowing when to get involved in the fights of their offspring. The simple answer is as little as possible! As I’ve told my kids, if there’s no blood, don’t get me involved.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 2

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 5: We need to give our children equal attention. We often fall into the trap of wanting to be so precisely fair with time spent with our kids that we overlook them as individuals. Some kids may require more parental attention because of age (infants and toddlers), health (sickness or chronic disease), or special needs (academic, mental, or physical). Most families experience giving one child more attention for a period of time for a variety of reasons that could be temporary or permanent.

Myth 6: Competition in the home is inevitable. Some parents further complicate the issue by insisting that competition in the home is good practice for kids because it can prepare them for living in a dog-eat-dog world. Others view competition as a way to get ahead in life, to become a “winner” instead of a “loser.” Again, what these views fail to consider is that pitting children against one another does little to build them up into responsible and respectful adults. While both views have a grain of truth, overall, our homes should strive to be less competitive and more cooperative, less focused on winning and more centered on respecting and loving each other.

Myth 7: Fairness should rule in everything. Parents have embraced the “fairness doctrine” as a way to ensure their children get along. After all, if we treat each one exactly the same, they will have less to bicker about, right? Wrong. Children will always find things to cry, “It’s not fair!” We need to realize that children have a warped sense of fairness as it relates specifically to them. They have a stake in the outcome of everything, which skews their view of situations. What they think is fair and impartial often isn’t in the true sense of the phrase. If we start trying to be fair in all that we do with and for our children, we will end up pleasing no one and paving the way for more sibling rivalry in the future.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 1

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 1: Children who fight as kids will grow up to hate each other. We’ve forgotten as adults that kids will fight more than we do—and make up faster, too. Children also don’t have a strong filter in place that stops them from lobbing the object (or verbal word) that sparks a fight.

The good news is that I’ve spoken to many parents who fought with their siblings as kids but grew up to be friends as adults. Just because your children bicker doesn’t mean they won’t like each other later in life. Keep in mind that proximity often contributes to the fight and when siblings don’t have to live with each other, they find they like each other much better.

What it does mean is that parents should ensure that the normal fighting between siblings—and it is normal for brothers and sisters to fight—doesn’t descend into rivalry, which has the potential to break the bonds and destroy fellowship. Some of those ways include banning name calling and physical contact in fights.

Myth 2: Getting along with siblings isn’t really that important. Why should parents care that their children are fighting? Because being pleasant and kind to one another has a more far-reaching significance than peace at that moment. Children who learn to resolve conflict within a family through interactions with brothers and sisters have an advantage when they encounter discord outside of the home.

Myth 3: Parents can’t avoid having favorites. The fact is, we all compare our kids sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t largely avoid favoritism in general. Be aware that we sometimes show bias toward one child over another. Acknowledge that we sometimes do for one and not the others. Avoid comparing one child with a sibling in all things; instead, focus on describing what you saw or what you mean about the child in question. Be careful not to over-praise one child over others—in fact, overall, praise should be used sparingly with children.

Myth 4: We need to love our kids exactly the same. No, you don’t. We need to recognize that we love our children for who they are, not just because they’re a child of ours. Our children, while sharing some of the same characteristics and features, are in fact individuals. You simply can’t lump all of your kids together. Consider what makes your child unique and yet connected to the family, and love them for that.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Let It Go

With two elementary-school age daughter in our house, we’ve heard the songs from Frozen more times than we can remember. “Let It Go” has been the most popular song from that soundtrack, and with the lyrics swirling in my mind, I thought about how applicable the title is to parenting.

Letting go is the hardest thing we learn to do as parents, but we often let go of the wrong things. Here’s what we should let go of when child rearing.

Image courtesy of thawats/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let go of our expectations. This encompasses our expectations for our family, for our children, for our future. When we stop worrying about what we’re not and focus on who we are instead, we will have a richer, more full life together.

Let go of our fears. We all have things we’re afraid will happen to our children, whether it’s failing a grade or doing drugs. The vast majority of things we’re fearful of are out of our control—and we would parent better if we loosen our grip on those things and leave the fears in God’s capable hands.

Let go of our desires. We desire so many things for our children—a good life, a wonderful future. But just like with fears, our desires can take over and color every aspect of our parenting until we push and pull too much in our children’s lives.

You can probably fill in a few things of your own that you should jettison. By letting go of those things, we can hold fast to what really matters. Here’s what we should hold onto.

Hold onto family values. This is a phrase that has gotten a lot of bad press in the political arena, but one of the greatest joys of child rearing is giving the next generation the family values of the present and past ones. Teaching our children family values is more important than them mastering soccer or ballet. Make sure you take the time to show through words and actions the value of the family and what you believe.

Hold onto our commonsense. So many times, we ignore our commonsense and make things more complicated. Keep your commonsense, especially as it relates to parenting, and you’ll

Hold onto marriage first. By putting your relationship with your spouse before your children, you will help them to properly orient themselves to the family and the world at large. Focusing on your marriage also helps you to keep the light of your love alive during the challenging and joyful days of child rearing.

Developing the delicate balancing act of letting go on some things and holding on tight to others might seem overly ambitious, but with care, we can become the parents God has called us to be.

Meanie or Softie?

By Sarah Hamaker

Are you a “softie” or a “meanie” when it comes to parenting? Too many parents, fearing to be labeled “mean” by their children, have chosen to be “soft” when it comes to many child-rearing decisions. But being a “mean” parent has many more advantages than being a “soft” parent, as this true story illustrates.

We’ve never been much of a technology family, nor do we have plans to become one. Neither my husband or I have a smartphone, and we truly are happy without one. However, I recently decided to purchase a tablet in order to be more mobile in my parent coach business and when I announced at dinner that I had ordered the device, all four kids began a chorus of “I want one,” and “Can we use it?”

Image courtesy of Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To which I said promptly and without guilt, “No.” I had no problem telling the disappointed children that the tablet would be for me and me alone. There would be no games for kids, no movies downloaded for their entertainment. Then my oldest (11 years old) chimed in that most of her friends had smartphones, and we had the following conversation:

Me: “You’re not going to have one and feel free to blame your mean mom as the reason.”

Naomi: “Oh, I do say you won’t get one for me. Then Suzie told me to keep asking repeatedly, that might wear you down and you’ll get me one.”

Me, trying not to smile too broadly: “What did you say to that?”

Naomi, with a long-suffering sigh of resignation: “I told her that wouldn’t work with you and I’d probably end up in my room if I whined too much.”

Me: “I’m glad we understand each other so well.”

Now, a “soft” parent would have hemmed and hawed, and worried about how her daughter portrayed the parent to her friends. A “soft” parent would have focused on the fact that the child was experiencing some discomfort because she didn’t have what many of her peers had. A “soft” parent would have wanted to remedy the situation, even though it might violate the family’s technology rules or not be in their budget. In short, a “soft” parent cares more about her child’s comfort or distress than about doing what’s right for the child and family in the long run.

In contrast, a “mean” parent knows that a child will want things that aren’t good for her, aren’t feasible for the family, or don’t fit in with the family’s overall philosophy. A “mean” parent knows that her child will more often than not disagree with many of the parenting decisions made. A “mean” parent has no problem saying no when necessary, sticking to her guns or riding out the wave of discomfort or distress her stance produces in the child. In short, a “mean” parent says what she means and means what she says, thus eliminating the need for most of the whining, bickering and pleading children employ to get what they want.

I challenge you to become a “mean” parent—and see what a marked difference that will make in your parenting and your children.