Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems
parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages,
brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm
the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next
few months, my Practical Parenting
newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.
Myth 1: Children who
fight as kids will grow up to hate each other. We’ve forgotten as adults that
kids will fight more than we do—and make up faster, too. Children also don’t
have a strong filter in place that stops them from lobbing the object (or
verbal word) that sparks a fight.
The good news is that I’ve spoken to many parents who fought
with their siblings as kids but grew up to be friends as adults. Just because
your children bicker doesn’t mean they won’t like each other later in life.
Keep in mind that proximity often contributes to the fight and when siblings
don’t have to live with each other, they find they like each other much better.
What it does mean is that parents should ensure that the
normal fighting between siblings—and it is normal for brothers and sisters to
fight—doesn’t descend into rivalry, which has the potential to break the bonds
and destroy fellowship. Some of those ways include banning name calling and
physical contact in fights.
Myth 2: Getting along
with siblings isn’t really that important. Why should parents care that
their children are fighting? Because being pleasant and kind to one another has
a more far-reaching significance than peace at that moment. Children who learn
to resolve conflict within a family through interactions with brothers and
sisters have an advantage when they encounter discord outside of the home.
Myth 3: Parents can’t
avoid having favorites. The fact is, we all compare our kids sometimes, but
that doesn’t mean we can’t largely avoid favoritism in general. Be aware that
we sometimes show bias toward one child over another. Acknowledge that we
sometimes do for one and not the others. Avoid comparing one child with a
sibling in all things; instead, focus on describing what you saw or what you
mean about the child in question. Be careful not to over-praise one child over
others—in fact, overall, praise should be used sparingly with children.
Myth 4: We need to
love our kids exactly the same. No, you don’t. We need to recognize that we
love our children for who they are, not just because they’re a child of ours. Our
children, while sharing some of the same characteristics and features, are in
fact individuals. You simply can’t lump all of your kids together. Consider
what makes your child unique and yet connected to the family, and love them for
that.
Read more about reducing
sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new
book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com,
CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
