Dispelling Sibling Rivalry Myths, part 1

Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages, brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next few months, my Practical Parenting newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.

Myth 1: Children who fight as kids will grow up to hate each other. We’ve forgotten as adults that kids will fight more than we do—and make up faster, too. Children also don’t have a strong filter in place that stops them from lobbing the object (or verbal word) that sparks a fight.

The good news is that I’ve spoken to many parents who fought with their siblings as kids but grew up to be friends as adults. Just because your children bicker doesn’t mean they won’t like each other later in life. Keep in mind that proximity often contributes to the fight and when siblings don’t have to live with each other, they find they like each other much better.

What it does mean is that parents should ensure that the normal fighting between siblings—and it is normal for brothers and sisters to fight—doesn’t descend into rivalry, which has the potential to break the bonds and destroy fellowship. Some of those ways include banning name calling and physical contact in fights.

Myth 2: Getting along with siblings isn’t really that important. Why should parents care that their children are fighting? Because being pleasant and kind to one another has a more far-reaching significance than peace at that moment. Children who learn to resolve conflict within a family through interactions with brothers and sisters have an advantage when they encounter discord outside of the home.

Myth 3: Parents can’t avoid having favorites. The fact is, we all compare our kids sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t largely avoid favoritism in general. Be aware that we sometimes show bias toward one child over another. Acknowledge that we sometimes do for one and not the others. Avoid comparing one child with a sibling in all things; instead, focus on describing what you saw or what you mean about the child in question. Be careful not to over-praise one child over others—in fact, overall, praise should be used sparingly with children.

Myth 4: We need to love our kids exactly the same. No, you don’t. We need to recognize that we love our children for who they are, not just because they’re a child of ours. Our children, while sharing some of the same characteristics and features, are in fact individuals. You simply can’t lump all of your kids together. Consider what makes your child unique and yet connected to the family, and love them for that.

Read more about reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.