Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems
parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages,
brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm
the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next
few months, my Practical Parenting
newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.
Myth 8: Children will
learn to resolve conflict on their own. While we don’t have to teach our
kids to fight, we do have to teach them how to resolve fights in a way that
helps, not hinders, their relationship with each other. Here are a few things
to keep in mind when teaching conflict resolution.
It starts with self
control. The benefits of self-discipline, while timeless in nature, have
fallen out of favor in today’s ultra-busy, ultra-competitive environment. In
addition, the expectation of instant gratification has pushed the virtue of
self-control to the back burner. Discipline of self isn’t on display in the
public’s eye as it once was. Maintaining self control is an important component
of conflict resolution. Exercising self control in the midst of extreme
provocation is essential to resolving conflict in a way that’s fruitful for all
parties involved.
Children need to
develop a desire for peace. Part of teaching conflict resolution to our
children is instilling in them a desire for a peaceful, calm environment.
That’s why we need to give them the tools for conflict resolution—and then step
back to let them figure out how to achieve peace. Intervening to have peace can
be detrimental to children learning how to resolve conflict on their own—and to
develop a desire for peace themselves.
We need to help them
use words, not fists. In children, especially the younger ones, frustration
often erupts into striking out at the source. When that’s a sibling, tears or
retaliation usually follows. It’s a rare family that doesn’t occasionally
encounter some hitting, shoving, pinching, slapping, or biting among their
children. One of the most important tools in conflict resolution is learning
how to use words and not physical force to get the upper hand in a situation.
We need to help them
cool down first. In the heat of battle, tempers flare, words fly, and
feelings spill over into one huge mess. Many times, the initial step toward
successful conflict resolution is time to calm down. (There are no right or
wrong ways to accomplish this, as it depends on your children’s ages and
temperaments, along with the size of your home.
We need to give them
the right tools for arguments. Arguments can be constructive but more times
than not, the way we disagree negates any positive outcome. If your house is
anything like mine, your children get into some pretty heated arguments over
some pretty silly—at least to our grownup sensibilities—things. Providing our
kids with the skills to have discussions that are respectful and fruitful is
one key to reducing sibling conflict. If each one has her say and feels the others
listen and “get” her side, the outcome—no matter if it’s for or against—usually
makes everyone happy—or at least able to move on from the disagreement.
We need to teach them
how to apologize—and receive an apology. Apologizing is one of the key
components to conflict resolution—and one of the easiest ways to reinstate
hostilities if perceived to be insincere. There’s more to apologizing than
saying, “I’m sorry,” and we are sadly neglecting our duty as parents if we only
require or expect those two words from our children.
We need to know when
to get involved. Parents often stumble when it comes to knowing when to get
involved in the fights of their offspring. The simple answer is as little as
possible! As I’ve told my kids, if there’s no blood, don’t get me involved.
Read more about
reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in
my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com,
CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
