High Fives and Fist Bumps March 2014

How do many of today’s parents react to praise-worthy deeds in their offspring? With high fives and fist bumps, of course. After all, that’s how kids honor each other’s achievements. What parent doesn’t want to share in the joy of a job well done with a little hand slapping or knuckle brushing?

I don’t, and neither should you. Wait, hear me out before you drown me in a sea of protests. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t celebrate with their children. We give hugs, pats on the back, a smile and “Well done” to our children, but no high fives or fist bumps between parents and children.

But why? Why shouldn’t we slap some skin with our kids? For one very simple reason: high fives and fist bumps are salutary exchanges given between peers. The very beginning of these exclamations of solidarity took place between those on equal footing with each other—in other words, peers. High schoolers slap high fives in the hallways, football players chest bump after a good play, chess players fist bump after a winning combination of moves. What do these situations have in common? That’s right, they are all between peers and have a familiarity that doesn’t not, should not, exist between parent and child.

Image courtesy of Ned White/ThinkStock.com

Parent/child high-fiving or fist bumping are the physical equivalent of a kid using a grownup’s first name. Children need to be taught the proper form of addressing adults with formal titles like Mr., Miss, Mrs., Sir, and Ma’am. Kids should learn to shake an adult’s hand politely, not slap it so hard it stings.

High fiving and fist bumping between child and adult are symptomatic of an adult’s need to be accepted or approved by the child. In short, to be cool or popular. Do Mom and Dad need to be labeled “cool” by their children? No, because instead parents have a more important job: to be the clearly defined leader in the home.

Do CEOs fist bump their secretaries after a particular good job performance? I hardly think so. Do you see professional coaches high fiving players after a winning touchdown or score? What these coaches and CEOs realize is that to be an effective leader, one can’t be a peer nor do things that only peers do, such as fist bumping and high fiving one another. Effective leaders know that means they will miss out on some of the camaraderie that takes place among peers, but that’s a small price to pay for being that effective leader.

Leave the fist bumping and high fiving to your children. You’ll find that there will be less confusion as to your leadership role in the process—and you’ll find different ways to express your joy in their achievement.

About Sarah Hamaker

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She is available for one-on-one coaching via email or Popexpert (video conferencing), as well as in person. Sarah also can speak to groups on a variety of parenting topics. Her book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Kids From War to Peace, will be published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City in October 2014.