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Twas mid-December, and the pressure is building
As parents scramble to fill a list that is growing
The children are bouncing off of the walls
With visions of presents and huge popcorn balls.
And what do Mom and Dad wish the most
During this season of gifts and being a host?
To find some peace in the middle of the noise
And to recapture that feeling of Christmas joys.
If you find yourself at your wits’ end this time of year,
here are some tips for surviving Christmas and New Year’s.
1. Know your
children’s limits. Meltdowns generally happen when kids are tired, cranky
and/or hungry. One way to help a child not have a temper tantrum is to ensure
they are not constantly overtired and overwhelmed.
For example, if the kids are young, don’t skip too many naps
or push bedtime back too often. If large crowds tend to over-stimulate them,
such as at a party, find a quieter space for them to decompress during the
evening. Just keeping an eye on the clock and leaving
2. Be prepared.
Having the resources to help a child avoid a meltdown is just smart parenting.
For example, when our children were toddlers, we would bring a snack with us
when going to my in-laws for dinner because the meal would usually be served
later than the children were used to eating. Making sure the children had a
snack helped them not become overly cranky waiting for dinner.
Having an “entertainment” bag with favorite books, drawing
pad/coloring book with colored pencils or crayons, small stuffed animals or
plastic figurines or cars can be a great way to help a child find something to
do at locations that aren’t as kid-friendly as your home.
3. Remember your own
childhood excitement. Let’s face it—this time of year, we as adults
sometimes get way too busy and stressed to really recall the magic of
Christmas, the thrill of ringing in the New Year. That “amnesia” can make us
short with our kids’ natural exuberance about presents and seeing family and Santa.
Think about how much you enjoyed about the holidays and keep
that image and feeling in mind as you hear your children’s squeals of
excitement, see them bouncing around the house, and generally become nearly
overwrought with anticipation. Having that empathy will help keep our own
Scroogeness in check.
4. Relax and enjoy
the holidays. Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect—truly it doesn’t!
Finding just the right gift, or baking the perfect cookies, or selecting the
best tree on the lot shouldn’t be our aim this time of year. We should remember
that Christmas is less about things and more about people.
But if we run around frantic to create the most perfect
Christmas ever, we will inevitably lose out on the enjoyment to be found in the
quieter moments. Don’t overlook the magic of family traditions, such as driving
around in pajamas looking at Christmas lights. Those are the memories that your
children will take with them into adulthood.
Use this guide to have your own very Merry Christmas!
Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems
parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages,
brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm
the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next
few months, my Practical Parenting
newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.
Myth 8: Children will
learn to resolve conflict on their own. While we don’t have to teach our
kids to fight, we do have to teach them how to resolve fights in a way that
helps, not hinders, their relationship with each other. Here are a few things
to keep in mind when teaching conflict resolution.
It starts with self
control. The benefits of self-discipline, while timeless in nature, have
fallen out of favor in today’s ultra-busy, ultra-competitive environment. In
addition, the expectation of instant gratification has pushed the virtue of
self-control to the back burner. Discipline of self isn’t on display in the
public’s eye as it once was. Maintaining self control is an important component
of conflict resolution. Exercising self control in the midst of extreme
provocation is essential to resolving conflict in a way that’s fruitful for all
parties involved.
Children need to
develop a desire for peace. Part of teaching conflict resolution to our
children is instilling in them a desire for a peaceful, calm environment.
That’s why we need to give them the tools for conflict resolution—and then step
back to let them figure out how to achieve peace. Intervening to have peace can
be detrimental to children learning how to resolve conflict on their own—and to
develop a desire for peace themselves.
We need to help them
use words, not fists. In children, especially the younger ones, frustration
often erupts into striking out at the source. When that’s a sibling, tears or
retaliation usually follows. It’s a rare family that doesn’t occasionally
encounter some hitting, shoving, pinching, slapping, or biting among their
children. One of the most important tools in conflict resolution is learning
how to use words and not physical force to get the upper hand in a situation.
We need to help them
cool down first. In the heat of battle, tempers flare, words fly, and
feelings spill over into one huge mess. Many times, the initial step toward
successful conflict resolution is time to calm down. (There are no right or
wrong ways to accomplish this, as it depends on your children’s ages and
temperaments, along with the size of your home.
We need to give them
the right tools for arguments. Arguments can be constructive but more times
than not, the way we disagree negates any positive outcome. If your house is
anything like mine, your children get into some pretty heated arguments over
some pretty silly—at least to our grownup sensibilities—things. Providing our
kids with the skills to have discussions that are respectful and fruitful is
one key to reducing sibling conflict. If each one has her say and feels the others
listen and “get” her side, the outcome—no matter if it’s for or against—usually
makes everyone happy—or at least able to move on from the disagreement.
We need to teach them
how to apologize—and receive an apology. Apologizing is one of the key
components to conflict resolution—and one of the easiest ways to reinstate
hostilities if perceived to be insincere. There’s more to apologizing than
saying, “I’m sorry,” and we are sadly neglecting our duty as parents if we only
require or expect those two words from our children.
We need to know when
to get involved. Parents often stumble when it comes to knowing when to get
involved in the fights of their offspring. The simple answer is as little as
possible! As I’ve told my kids, if there’s no blood, don’t get me involved.
Read more about
reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in
my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace , available for pre-order now on Amazon.com,
CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems
parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages,
brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm
the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next
few months, my Practical Parenting
newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.
Myth 5: We need to
give our children equal attention. We often fall into the trap of wanting
to be so precisely fair with time spent with our kids that we overlook them as
individuals. Some kids may require more parental attention because of age
(infants and toddlers), health (sickness or chronic disease), or special needs
(academic, mental, or physical). Most families experience giving one child more
attention for a period of time for a variety of reasons that could be temporary
or permanent.
Myth 6: Competition
in the home is inevitable. Some parents further complicate the issue by
insisting that competition in the home is good practice for kids because it can
prepare them for living in a dog-eat-dog world. Others view competition as a
way to get ahead in life, to become a “winner” instead of a “loser.” Again,
what these views fail to consider is that pitting children against one another
does little to build them up into responsible and respectful adults. While both
views have a grain of truth, overall, our homes should strive to be less
competitive and more cooperative, less focused on winning and more centered on
respecting and loving each other.
Myth 7: Fairness
should rule in everything. Parents have embraced the “fairness doctrine” as
a way to ensure their children get along. After all, if we treat each one
exactly the same, they will have less to bicker about, right? Wrong. Children
will always find things to cry, “It’s not fair!” We need to realize that
children have a warped sense of fairness as it relates specifically to them.
They have a stake in the outcome of everything, which skews their view of
situations. What they think is fair and impartial often isn’t in the true sense
of the phrase. If we start trying to be fair in all that we do with and for our
children, we will end up pleasing no one and paving the way for more sibling
rivalry in the future.
Read more about
reducing sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in
my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace , available for pre-order now on Amazon.com,
CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
Sibling rivalry is one of the most troubling problems
parents encounter when raising multiple children. No matter their ages,
brothers and sisters who constantly and vehemently fight can disrupt and harm
the family as a whole—as well as hurt the sibling relationship. Over the next
few months, my Practical Parenting
newsletter will dispel some of the common sibling rivalry myths.
Myth 1: Children who
fight as kids will grow up to hate each other. We’ve forgotten as adults that
kids will fight more than we do—and make up faster, too. Children also don’t
have a strong filter in place that stops them from lobbing the object (or
verbal word) that sparks a fight.
The good news is that I’ve spoken to many parents who fought
with their siblings as kids but grew up to be friends as adults. Just because
your children bicker doesn’t mean they won’t like each other later in life.
Keep in mind that proximity often contributes to the fight and when siblings
don’t have to live with each other, they find they like each other much better.
What it does mean is that parents should ensure that the
normal fighting between siblings—and it is normal for brothers and sisters to
fight—doesn’t descend into rivalry, which has the potential to break the bonds
and destroy fellowship. Some of those ways include banning name calling and
physical contact in fights.
Myth 2: Getting along
with siblings isn’t really that important. Why should parents care that
their children are fighting? Because being pleasant and kind to one another has
a more far-reaching significance than peace at that moment. Children who learn
to resolve conflict within a family through interactions with brothers and
sisters have an advantage when they encounter discord outside of the home.
Myth 3: Parents can’t
avoid having favorites. The fact is, we all compare our kids sometimes, but
that doesn’t mean we can’t largely avoid favoritism in general. Be aware that
we sometimes show bias toward one child over another. Acknowledge that we
sometimes do for one and not the others. Avoid comparing one child with a
sibling in all things; instead, focus on describing what you saw or what you
mean about the child in question. Be careful not to over-praise one child over
others—in fact, overall, praise should be used sparingly with children.
Myth 4: We need to
love our kids exactly the same. No, you don’t. We need to recognize that we
love our children for who they are, not just because they’re a child of ours. Our
children, while sharing some of the same characteristics and features, are in
fact individuals. You simply can’t lump all of your kids together. Consider
what makes your child unique and yet connected to the family, and love them for
that.
Read more about reducing
sibling rivalry and creating an environment of peace in your home in my new
book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace , available for pre-order now on Amazon.com,
CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
With two elementary-school age daughter in our house, we’ve
heard the songs from Frozen more
times than we can remember. “Let It Go” has been the most popular song from
that soundtrack, and with the lyrics swirling in my mind, I thought about how
applicable the title is to parenting.
Letting go is the hardest thing we learn to do as parents,
but we often let go of the wrong things. Here’s what we should let go of when
child rearing.
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Image courtesy of thawats/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Let go of our
expectations. This encompasses our expectations for our family, for our
children, for our future. When we stop worrying about what we’re not and focus
on who we are instead, we will have a richer, more full life together.
Let go of our fears.
We all have things we’re afraid will happen to our children, whether it’s
failing a grade or doing drugs. The vast majority of things we’re fearful of
are out of our control—and we would parent better if we loosen our grip on
those things and leave the fears in God’s capable hands.
Let go of our
desires. We desire so many things for our children—a good life, a wonderful
future. But just like with fears, our desires can take over and color every
aspect of our parenting until we push and pull too much in our children’s
lives.
You can probably fill in a few things of your own that you
should jettison. By letting go of those things, we can hold fast to what really
matters. Here’s what we should hold onto.
Hold onto family values.
This is a phrase that has gotten a lot of bad press in the political arena, but
one of the greatest joys of child rearing is giving the next generation the
family values of the present and past ones. Teaching our children family values
is more important than them mastering soccer or ballet. Make sure you take the
time to show through words and actions the value of the family and what you
believe.
Hold onto our commonsense.
So many times, we ignore our commonsense and make things more complicated. Keep
your commonsense, especially as it relates to parenting, and you’ll
Hold onto marriage
first. By putting your relationship with your spouse before your children,
you will help them to properly orient themselves to the family and the world at
large. Focusing on your marriage also helps you to keep the light of your love
alive during the challenging and joyful days of child rearing.
Developing the delicate balancing act of letting go on some
things and holding on tight to others might seem overly ambitious, but with
care, we can become the parents God has called us to be.
By Sarah Hamaker
Are you a “softie” or a “meanie” when it comes to parenting?
Too many parents, fearing to be labeled “mean” by their children, have chosen
to be “soft” when it comes to many child-rearing decisions. But being a “mean”
parent has many more advantages than being a “soft” parent, as this true story
illustrates.
We’ve never been much of a technology family, nor do we have
plans to become one. Neither my husband or I have a smartphone, and we truly
are happy without one. However, I recently decided to purchase a tablet in
order to be more mobile in my parent coach business and when I announced at
dinner that I had ordered the device, all four kids began a chorus of “I want
one,” and “Can we use it?”
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Image courtesy of Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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To which I said promptly and without guilt, “No.” I had no
problem telling the disappointed children that the tablet would be for me and me
alone. There would be no games for kids, no movies downloaded for their
entertainment. Then my oldest (11 years old) chimed in that most of her friends
had smartphones, and we had the following conversation:
Me: “You’re not
going to have one and feel free to blame your mean mom as the reason.”
Naomi: “Oh, I do
say you won’t get one for me. Then Suzie told me to keep asking repeatedly,
that might wear you down and you’ll get me one.”
Me, trying not to
smile too broadly: “What did you say to that?”
Naomi, with a
long-suffering sigh of resignation: “I told her that wouldn’t work with you
and I’d probably end up in my room if I whined too much.”
Me: “I’m glad we
understand each other so well.”
Now, a “soft” parent would have hemmed and hawed, and
worried about how her daughter portrayed the parent to her friends. A “soft”
parent would have focused on the fact that the child was experiencing some
discomfort because she didn’t have what many of her peers had. A “soft” parent
would have wanted to remedy the situation, even though it might violate the
family’s technology rules or not be in their budget. In short, a “soft” parent
cares more about her child’s comfort or distress than about doing what’s right for
the child and family in the long run.
In contrast, a “mean” parent knows that a child will want
things that aren’t good for her, aren’t feasible for the family, or don’t fit
in with the family’s overall philosophy. A “mean” parent knows that her child
will more often than not disagree with many of the parenting decisions made. A “mean”
parent has no problem saying no when necessary, sticking to her guns or riding
out the wave of discomfort or distress her stance produces in the child. In
short, a “mean” parent says what she means and means what she says, thus
eliminating the need for most of the whining, bickering and pleading children
employ to get what they want.
I challenge you to become a “mean” parent—and see what a
marked difference that will make in your parenting and your children.
By Mary Elizabeth Piretti
With some major changes including a major move and a new baby
about to hit our family, this will be my last newsletter for the foreseeable
future. When pondering what to write about as my farewell, it hit me that I’ve
been imparting learned wisdom to other parents while at the same time learning
what it really means to be a parent. I have an almost 2-year-old boy who is
wonderful in so many unexplainable ways, including the fact that he has shaken
and rebuilt (and will continue to do so I’m sure!) everything I thought I knew
about parenting. I’ve learned a lot in the past 22 months, and I’m sure I’ll
continue to learn every day for the rest of my parenting life.
I came into parenting with a plan. A plan that included a happily
sleeping baby, who when he wasn’t sleeping, would play happily on his own and
let me go about my business, with plenty of breaks to snuggle him of course!
What I got was a non-sleeping baby who was generally happy and content, but who
demanded snuggles way more than I was prepared to stop and give them. He taught
me to slow down. I had to set aside my agenda and love him when he needed it,
and I found that if I gave him what he needed when he needed it, he was then
content to let us all go about our day. Through some growing up and a little
training, he now plays by himself happily for long periods of time and sleeps
like a champ. He also knows that he’s secure in our family and loved
unconditionally--I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
He has also taught me that not all formulas bring about the
desired outcome. At this point, he knows that we are in charge as his parents.
But he also knows that he is his own person and he will fight to make sure I
know that, too. Being a toddler, he is unpredictable and emotional. He goes
from being smiley and happy to laying on the floor screaming in about two
seconds, and all I can do is be consistent in how I react to his demands. I’m
confident that the consistency will pay off, but it’s a constant battle some
days. My plan coming into parenting was that one good strong lesson would do
the trick, and my little guy has taught me otherwise. It’s a marathon, Mom.
As we grow and learn together and as our family changes shape, I
know the principles of Love and Leadership will be ones to which I’ll stick. I
know that if I put my all into it, then I’ve done the best I can to raise my
children to be accomplished adults and responsible citizens. But I’ve learned
that sometimes even the best-laid plans can fail, and that I’m not always in
control. And I’ve learned to be okay with that and to love my child through it
according to his needs at that moment. If you take anything from me, take that
you can and are a great parent, and that if you Love and Lead your kids as they
grow, you will be doing your part to raise them up into successful adulthood,
and hopefully one day they and the world will thank you for it.
Mary Elizabeth is a
Certified Coach in the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute and really
enjoys working with families on making their homes run more smoothly and
peacefully. She has a true love for children and believes that the happiest
children are those with well-defined boundaries. Mary Elizabeth is available to
work with you and your family on creating and enforcing boundaries while
fostering a home full of love and laughter. Visit her website at
novatraditionalparenting.w
How do many of today’s parents react to praise-worthy deeds
in their offspring? With high fives and fist bumps, of course. After all,
that’s how kids honor each other’s achievements. What parent doesn’t want to
share in the joy of a job well done with a little hand slapping or knuckle
brushing?
I don’t, and neither should you. Wait, hear me out before
you drown me in a sea of protests. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t celebrate
with their children. We give hugs, pats on the back, a smile and “Well done” to
our children, but no high fives or fist bumps between parents and children.
But why? Why shouldn’t we slap some skin with our kids? For
one very simple reason: high fives and fist bumps are salutary exchanges given
between peers. The very beginning of these exclamations of solidarity took
place between those on equal footing with each other—in other words, peers.
High schoolers slap high fives in the hallways, football players chest bump
after a good play, chess players fist bump after a winning combination of
moves. What do these situations have in common? That’s right, they are all
between peers and have a familiarity that doesn’t not, should not, exist
between parent and child.
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| Image courtesy of Ned White/ThinkStock.com |
Parent/child high-fiving or fist bumping are the physical
equivalent of a kid using a grownup’s first name. Children need to be taught
the proper form of addressing adults with formal titles like Mr., Miss, Mrs.,
Sir, and Ma’am. Kids should learn to shake an adult’s hand politely, not slap
it so hard it stings.
High fiving and fist bumping between child and adult are
symptomatic of an adult’s need to be accepted or approved by the child. In
short, to be cool or popular. Do Mom and Dad need to be labeled “cool” by their
children? No, because instead parents have a more important job: to be the
clearly defined leader in the home.
Do CEOs fist bump their secretaries after a particular good
job performance? I hardly think so. Do you see professional coaches high fiving
players after a winning touchdown or score? What these coaches and CEOs realize
is that to be an effective leader, one can’t be a peer nor do things that only
peers do, such as fist bumping and high fiving one another. Effective leaders
know that means they will miss out on some of the camaraderie that takes place
among peers, but that’s a small price to pay for being that effective leader.
Leave the fist bumping and high fiving to your children.
You’ll find that there will be less confusion as to your leadership role in the
process—and you’ll find different ways to express your joy in their
achievement.
About Sarah Hamaker
Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™
through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She is
available for one-on-one coaching via email or Popexpert (video conferencing),
as well as in person. Sarah also can speak to groups on a variety of parenting
topics. Her book, Ending Sibling Rivalry:
Moving Kids From War to Peace, will be published by Beacon Hill Press of
Kansas City in October 2014.
By Mary Elizabeth Piretti
Is love alone enough to raise successful kids? Can you love them
through toddlerhood, childhood and teenage years? While love tops the list of
important things you can give your child, leadership is right alongside it.
Children need to know that their parents love them and will consistently lead
them through life. Boundaries and leadership give children security and help
mold them into responsible and successful adults.
Being a leader does not mean barking orders at your children or
placing such high expectations on them that they cannot possibly maintain. It
does mean speaking to them in a way in which they know that you are in control,
that you are above them and in charge. For example, when instructing them to
clean up their toys, you shouldn’t say “Can you clean up your toys, please?”
Instead, you should say “It’s time to clean up your toys now.” Phrasing
commands correctly lets them know that they do not have a choice in the matter,
and that you are not their buddy simply hoping they will comply. When and if
they don’t follow your instructions, you can continue to lead them with
effective consequences.
Commanding your children can seem like a harsh way to speak to
them, but the beauty of parenting with love and leadership is that when you are
displaying leadership, they know how much you love them. They don’t hear your
words as harsh or mean, they see you as a parent who loves them and is in
charge. Boundaries give children a sense of security because they know that
their lives are not in their own hands and that they do not worry about what
they can and should be doing. They can live in freedom knowing that they are
loved and cared for, and that they will be instructed on what to do when the need
arises. They will fight back some of the time, but in the end they will thank
you for how much you care.
Loving first, then leading your children in a way that they know
you are in control of any given situation in an important factor in raising
successful adults. It provides security and gives them the confidence to grow
through their lives. You love your children, that part comes naturally.
Leadership takes practice and consistency for everyone involved but is an
incredibly important part of parenting.
About Mary Elizabeth
Pieritti
Mary Elizabeth is a Certified Coach in the John Rosemond
Leadership Parenting Institute and really enjoys working with families on
making their homes run more smoothly and peacefully. She has a true love for
children and believes that the happiest children are those with well-defined
boundaries. Mary Elizabeth is available to work with you and your family on
creating and enforcing boundaries while fostering a home full of love and
laughter. Visit her website at novatraditionalparenting.wordpress.com.
By Sarah Hamaker
What are your parenting goals for 2014? Do you want to stop
yelling at your children all the time? Do you want to stop parenting on the fly
and start parenting with purpose? Do you want to have a calmer home with
happier children?
All those things are possible, but, like with most New
Year’s Resolutions, it will take hard work on your part. The good news is that
once you master the basics, you will have built a solid foundation from which
to parent—and things will get easier. That’s not to say your children won’t
have bad days or that you won’t blow your top when the kids break your favorite
glass cat figurine. It does mean you will pick yourself up, brush yourself off,
and start all over again.
How do you become the parent you have always wanted to be?
You start by realizing that the child produces the child, not the parent. Yes,
you have a role, an important one, in raising your child. But ultimately, no
one is responsible for your child except for your child.
How does this help you become a better parent? By taking away
the guilt and the blame and the stress of trying to be the perfect parent. You
will fail, sometimes spectacularly, as a parent, but that doesn’t mean your
child will turn out badly. You will succeed, sometimes wonderfully, as a
parent, but that doesn’t mean your child will be a success in life.
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