Teenage Expectations: The Path to Emancipation, August 2013

By Mary Elizabeth Piretti

We round out our summer “Expectations” series with the teen years. Just as the early preschool years can be filled with tempers and tantrums, the teen years can be, too. But take heart—they don’t have to be!

Teenagers are trying to bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood. We as parents help them gain their independence by doing the opposite of what feels right to do by stopping micromanagement of their lives and letting them make their own decisions, within boundaries of course.

Teens become more and more dependent on their peer group for influence and less and less attached to their parents. This is a good thing and should be encouraged. If their friends have blue hair or tattoos but aren’t involved in harmful activities, take a deep breath and accept the blue hair and inked skin. Resist the urge to manage their friendships. Unless you see serious red-flags in a person or group of people, let your teen pick his friends. They will need to do this in the adult world, and learning to do it with you having an ear to their activities is a good start.

Teens also need to be taking more responsibility with their school work and household chores. You don’t need to let your teen completely fail in grades or responsibilities but some natural consequences are good for them to experience. For example, if your teen is struggling in school, don’t check in with the teacher every week. Do establish a “contract” report that your teen has to have teachers sign is a good option. That leaves the responsibility for getting the work done and having their teachers approve it in the teen’s court, and lets her face the consequences of her own actions if she fails to meet the requirements.

Many parents today think that managing every minute of their child and teen’s lives will help them succeed. The parents make sure their children are involved in the right sports, spend lots of time in conferences with teachers to make sure they are making good grades, and organize them into activities with kids with which they want them to be friends. These intentions are good, very good indeed, but in the end can be harmful to your child’s successful emancipation and independence. You can’t be with your child every day in college, or come to their workplace every day, or choose their spouse. Teens especially need to be guided in their decisions but not controlled, so that when real-life comes at them, they will be able to critically think through decisions and make the right choices.

However, please don’t think you need to leave your teen completely alone and let them deal with life as it comes. They still need your support, love, and guidance now as much as ever. Leading them successfully into adulthood is your role as their parent. When and if they fail (most likely when), drop the hammer. Don’t be afraid to lay down real and strict consequences to help them understand that wrong actions are not okay. You shouldn’t hesitate to put them on full restriction when needed, taking away all privileges for an amount of time. By leading them to think critically and make choices that will further them as responsible adults, you will help guide them into adulthood and set them up for a bright future.

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New issues of the newsletter are emailed around the 15th of each month. Written by Sarah Hamaker, owner of Parent Coach NoVa, and Mary Elizabeth Piretti, owner of Northern Virginia Traditional Parenting, Practical Parenting addresses child-rearing issues, and provides real solutions and encouragement to parents.Both Sarah and Mary Elizabeth are certified Leadership Parenting Coaches™ through the John Rosemond Leadership Parenting Institute.